The master of situations has lost his mastery!

[Robin4]

I have always felt I was the voice of reason when it came to resolving difficult situations but, I currently have one I need some help with.

I have had a booking request (via the Stayz platform) for a single woman who wants to stay for 21 days. She loves gardens, she loves dogs, she loves a quiet location. Sounds perfect for me!

*

She has just lost her 19 year old son tragically, it has been a local news item, and she can’t face going home. She needs some time to straighten herself out. She said she will never celebrate Christmas again because Christmas represents an ultimate sadness to her!

From sheer compassion as a human being I want to open up my house and my heart to her and try to ease her pain, but a hosting on this basis has so many red flags, I can’t count them all.

How on earth should I handle this?  In a way I wish the request had not come, I don’t know her, I don’t even have an image of her, nothing to relate too but, I keep thinking about her and what she is going through all the time, as I luxuriate in the safety of having my girls just a phone call away.

I can’t say no, but I don’t want to say yes, I am looking to the community for help. Ade and I are going to the east  to spend three weeks with our girls so the opportunity is there to grant this request but, I am wondering what sort of a can of worms I will be opening here.

I really would appreciate any help you lovely guys can give!

Cheers......Rob

[Suzanne302]

@Robin4  Sounds like she's going through one of the worst times of her life and what she needs most is a distraction from her grief. Your place could be a catalyst in helping her work through that grief. What red flags do you see?

[Greg-And-Jutta0]

God works through others in mysterious ways!

[Jennifer1421]

@Robin4I can completely understand the reservations that you may have about this request. 3 weeks is a long time to host an unhappy guest,  who is quite likely to behave in some strange ways ue to her grief, and who may well ding your ratings for the same reason.

I would likely choose to host this guest, though. My "bleeding heart" would not allow me to turn her away, though truthfully it would be a very reluctant decision. I'm pretty sure you will likely come to the same conclusion, after some reflection,  just from reading your posts. Your empathy for others shines through a great deal in what you write.

It is a difficult dilemma, though, and I feel for you having to wrestle with this.

[Danielle476]

I guess I'm not sure what the red flags are here?  Are you worried she'll be a downer or act out or something?  If she hadn't mentioned anything at all, would you have accepted?  Personally, I would host her.  My guess is she'll be reflecting quite a bit...not like you'd be hosting a party animal who's bursting through your door at 4 a.m.  I think grief makes some people uncomfortable as we don't always know the right thing to say or do, but I think just allowing her to grieve quietly in a peaceful setting would be helping her more than you realize.  I would make it clear that you're available if needed, but will keep your distance otherwise.  Maybe leave extra tissue boxes around, snacks, what have you.  Good luck and all the best!

[Lisa723]

@Robin4 this woman, having suffered the most devastating loss that can happen to anyone, and in pain we other parents of healthy children can only imagine, has chosen your place as a temporary refuge. You have an opportunity to significantly help another grief-stricken human being-- which most of us struggle to find. In your shoes I would be grateful and not hesitate for a second.

[Pat271]

I just went through this with a good friend of mine who lost her son at 23. It’s not easy, to be sure, and pretty much impossible to do or say anything that will alleviate her pain.  Still, I am there for her.

Marriage, friendships, hosting...  I want to be there “in sickness and in health”.  95% of the time I host fun-loving, vacation-going, cheerful guests in a good mood.  Sometimes life deals out a different set of cards.  I derive satisfaction from hosting in no small part because I feel I am fulfilling a need. I would host this guest, even though in this case the need is to find a quiet place to mourn.

This is a very personal decision; and as you mentioned, there are practical risks involved. Will your adversity to risk trump your desire to be altruistic? Look within for the answer.

[Sarah977]

@Robin4  I'm not sure what your reluctance is- that her grief will create a depressed atmosphere around your place? It sounds like you and Ade are going to away anyway? If I were in your shoes, I'd certainly accept her booking, unless there are some other red flags we're not understanding? And if you are going to be around for part of the dates she wants, perhaps it would alleviate her sadness somewhat and give her a good perspective to see how you and Ade have had to deal with adversity and not let it get the best of you.

Losing a child has to be about the most painful thing I can imagine. It has happened to friends of mine.

[Patricia55]

@Robin4 

You've had some great compassionate advice above... so, I'll just play devil's advocate and say:

This guest is completely unknown to you... yes? If you're going to be away during her stay, will you have a chance to get to know her before you actually leave her on her own?! (We have left guests on their own, in our home, for as much as 10 days, but only if they've earned our trust beforehand.*)

Given her possible precarious state of mind: if you leave her alone, do you have enough safeguards, back-up plans/people in place, if things go awry?

(*Saying that, we did come back to rather a calamity – long story, but worked out fine.)

[Anonymous]

@Robin4  I can understand your hesitations. Of course the terrible tragedy involved makes it almost unthinkable not to respond with empathy and compassion, and as a kind hearted person you want to do whatever you can to help.

And yet, we also know that grief has many faces and can manifest some unpredictable and even horrifying behaviors. You might wonder if it's safe to leave a person dealing with the worst experience of their life alone on your property. It's impossible for you or even for her to know if the retreat your home offers is adequate to meet her therapeutic needs, and doubtful that as a stranger you'll be qualified to provide the emotional support she might need to get through the day. Let's not downplay this, everyone : being the first port of call in a moment of profound suffering is a huge thing to ask of a stranger in what would normally be a politely transactional relationship.

I wouldn't hold it against you as a host if you decide this is more than you're able to take on, especially knowing that you'll be out of town during some portion of the stay.

At a minimum I would recommend asking the guest to provide an emergency contact. Perhaps her disposition is to deal with trauma in solitude, but if her despair creates a situation you're not able to manage on your own, you'll need to be able to enlist someone that she knows and trusts to help you both through it.

Perhaps someone reading has experience working in a therapeutic retreat? There must be a set of guidelines for creating a safe environment for people to process grief, and it's probably not the same as what you normally do to accommodate a fun holiday. 

[Helen350]

Indeed, if it were my bungalow, I would feel uneasy leaving & going away in this situation.... I'd feel the need to be on site the whole time to monitor the situation, check all is well ... or as well as can be expected.

[Branka-and-Silvia0]

I agree with @Anonymous , if you will not be there it means she will be alone in a strange town, far from her friends and in a very fragile emotional state. That's not good. People in such a situation need a good friend close by to give them comfort and cheer them up and to take care of them.

[Kath9]

@Robin4, you've had some good advice here. I understand why you might be worried, but personally I don't see any red flags. It sounds like she just needs some time and space to process what has happened. I would feel honoured if someone in this situation requested to stay with me. Grief, especially at this level, is not easy to be face-to-face with, but usually people just want to be seen and heard.

But, on a practical note, will you be there for the first part of her stay before you go away? That way you can get a sense of her state of mind (just in case). And have you told her you will be away? It may be that she wants company, and you being away won't suit her. Or it may be that she wants complete solitude and that will be perfect for her. I would consider openly communicating with her before you accept - as an experienced host, you should be able to get a sense of what she wants and needs. If you do end up accepting her, you don't need to try and make her feel 'better' - people in grief just need others to understand their pain. This is a personal decision and not an easy one. Keep us posted as to what you decide.

[J-Renato0]

You are a very mature and experienced person. More experienced than me. Certainly, I am not the best person to give you an opinion.
However, here it goes. If you feel that this situation may go beyond your ability to help her, perhaps it is best to tell the truth. We cannot always take responsibility for something that is beyond our strength and capacity. In certain situations, listening to an honest "Sorry, I am not the right person to provide support" can be more helpful to someone than saying yes, simply out of compassion but knowing that we are not the ideal person to help.
I think that a person in this situation may need to find a place to stay away and to strenght herself out. But perhaps a simple departure from everything is not ideal. She may need to attend a support group. Only a therapist could possibly provide counseling. 
Well... @Robin4 , it is a very hard decision you will have to take.

[Lana15]

@Robin4 

As a mother she needs something to care for and to nurture. 

Give her a hug and tell her you are sorry. Ask her about her sons life ..she would want to speak about him  ..maybe put some photos out with her. 

She would love to care for your garden and your dog ...and birdfeeders .

Have someone check on your place while you are away..and your dog..and maybe have a plan B handy . 

Do you have a good friend that would pop in to bring fresh fruit or just a nice muffin for tea  .no strings attached of feeling to have to babysit her. 

Your lovely healing and welcoming house is something she hopes and dream about. 

You dont have to feel you have to be her grief therapist...after initial condolences and talk she will know how you feel. 

I put a patio swing out on our balcony and gave  my traumatised guest some small jobs to do. 

Water plants...fill the birdfeeder....walk the calmest of the dogs .(also the fattest one ) and I gave her some paint and paintbrushes and a large canvas to protect my outside table and she painted 63 fish for my parkingarea wall. 

The first days she slept most of the time and I caught glimpses of her painting at night. 

They want to be needed..and to have something to care for and a task to complete that is easy and not stresful.

Can you think of some things to give her to do ? 

Your lovely dog herself is the best therapist and she might just take all the worry from you. 

At the end of 21 days she will have to return to her memories ..but just that little calmer and stronger  

And your house will be known for its healing properties  . 

Lana