The Perfect Guest Quiz

[Brian2036]

Last night just as I was about to go to bed I received a message that a guest was requesting approval for a booking.

 The following exchange ensued.

Guest: I was wondering if you have a washer and dryer in the house.

Host: Yes, but they are not included in the amenities and if they break you will not get a refund. We will let you use ours while we repair or replace.

Guest: Do you think our Prius would be able to get to your place?

Host, who has been through this before; No. The listing states that guests need to have a truck or SUV with good road clearance.

So I waited. And waited. And while I was waiting I looked up “JONATTAN” who apparently lives or lived in Las Vegas and has 3 5-Star reviews.

Sounds good, but these reviews all mention JONATTAN and his lovely family, and apparently JONATTAN is planning on taking a 38 day vacation from the lovely family because his request is for just one adult.

Perhaps he forgot to mention a couple of parentally kidnapped children? Or someone else’s wife?

Eventually I got tired of waiting and went to bed.

At 8 in the morning I still had no further messages but the request for approval was still open and Airbnb was reminding me to accept it.

 I sent a (rather snippy) note to JONATTAN suggesting that common courtesy would involve a response such as “Thanks but I guess I’ll have to find a place on a paved road.”

At 5 PM Airbnb is becoming anxious because I still have not approved what is obviously a lucrative offer.

Still no response from JONATTAN.

 I declined the reservation.

So tell me, have I become entirely paranoid or is something stinky here?

We were joking about putting together a quiz for suspicious guests and the more I think about it the more I think it would be fun and possibly useful.

So I’ll start. All contributions welcome.

[Brian2036]

The first two questions were:

1.) What is the first thing you would do if you feel extremely hot after arriving at the rental home?

a) Take off your fur coat

b) Turn off the heat, open a window

c) Turn on the air conditioner 

d) Call the host and demand a refund

e) b,c, and d but not a.

2.) What would you do if, after checking in, you decide you don’t really like everything about the house you rented?

a) Read the entire listing for the first time and look for possible inaccuracies so you can demand a refund 

b) Call Airbnb and lie about the host 

c) Claim you have COVID-19 symptoms and leave 

d) Trash the house, take pictures, and claim that it was like that when you moved in 

e) Try to enjoy your vacation, thank the host politely, and privately resolve to pay a little more next time.

[Brian2036]

3.) If the host rules say “NO SMOKING,” and you feel that this violates your personal rights, do you:

a) Light up as soon as you enter the house and blow a cloud of smoke directly into your host’s face 

b) Wait until the host leaves and fire up a fat blunt, then hide the butt under the mattress 

c) Smoke outside when no one is watching and carefully field-strip your butts.

d) Smoke freely in every room, use the best China for ashtrays, then, just before you leave, call Airbnb and file a discrimination complaint against your host.

e) Quit smoking. Again.

[Sarah977]

You spot a spider on the wall. You:

a. Scream, run outside, and message the host to say you can't stay there.

b. Grab a broom and shoo it out the door.

c. Ignore it- it's likely more afraid of you than you might be of it and you're aware that it's quite harmless. If you're not sure, you just message the host and ask.

d. Are fascinated because you've never seen that type of spider before, so take a photo, and look it up online. You send the photo to your friends- "check out this cool spider".

e) Take a photo, complete your stay, send the photo to Airbnb, claiming the place is infested and want a full refund.

[Brian2036]

4.) What is the best way to get a really good price on an Airbnb rental?

a.) Book a large house for two adults, then invite all your friends and their rotten kids to chip in and join you after dark. If you are good at math you can actually make a profit.

b.)Book an expensive house for a week and at the last minute tell the host that you will cancel unless he gives you a cash discount on arrival. Stay overnight, throw a huge party, and complain to Airbnb that the house is unacceptable before 24 hours have passed, get a full refund.

c.) Book for a month to get the 49% discount, then leave after a week because you saw a mouse and have had nightmares ever since. Demand full refund.

d.) Look for a place that doesn’t have much on the calendar and offer a low-ball price. If the host is dumb enough to accept, steal everything you can pawn when you leave.

e.) Rent a place in a nice neighborhood, pay whatever they ask, and set up a meth lab in the kitchen to cover your costs.

f.) Other (describe in detail.)