Concerned a host is going to try to kick me out without merit

[Heidi588]

I am concerned that the person I'm renting from long term is going to try to get me kicked out. I have done nothing against Airbnb rules nor the house rules, but I anticipate that she may retaliate by lying to Airbnb such as saying she has an emergency and needs the property.

Apologies for the long post, but I want to cover energy angle.

I'll give the background, leading up to the most recent incident, all of which leads me to expect a passive-aggressive move against me. The end of the post after "So..." is the breakdown of what I see as my potential options.

First, here's why I'm concerned. I'm an expat who works remotely. I've lived a few years now in Airbnb properties with long-term stays. I have consistently high host reviews, almost all of which state my cleanliness (I like cleaning for myself as I am very private, and it also keeps a sense of normalcy in my life to have the same daily schedule, including self-care activities, no matter where I live). I have lived in this particular city for over a year, and this is my second long-term stay here. The stay ends in December, I'm half way through. I don't want to stay in this city, but I'm not prepared to leave until December, and I don't want the hassle of finding another property that meets all of of my specific needs and wants. I just want to enjoy peace and groundedness in my last three months as I have the past year and three months. Moving early is more effort than I want to expend, for a variety of reasons.

Here's the background with this host, which leads up to the current issue and cause for concern. Every time she needs or wants something, it always begins with a plea to my ethics. I'm very direct and honest, and such pleas set off red flags of passive-aggression. For instance, she didn't want me cleaning for myself when I asked in advance of moving in, she wanted the maid to come every week to disinfect for COVID -- I guessed that this is actually to have someone keep an eye on her property, but she denied that until later when I was sick and needed to isolate two different times. The first time she said okay but cleaning is for my benefit to replace toilet paper, etc., and she said the second time would be the last because she needed someone to keep any eye on the property (!). I still clean for myself, but there are a few things I don't like to do, so I only have an hour of cleaning a week rather than four, and she's been okay with that. (In fairness to her, after a couple months I told her I was out going to pay $2.50 for the cleaning rather than $10 as i only use an hour, but apparently it's part of her agreement with the building to pay a set amount each week, as she said she would pay the extra $7.50. So, she's not totally rigid.)

The day I moved in, two hours prior, she stopped responding to phone calls, text messages, and communications through the platform. I had a question I needed answered about a kitchen item, I already had one I'd bought for the previous stay and didn't want to haul it if I didn't need to. No answer. I needed to know something about the check-in. No answer. I arrived earlier than I anticipated (which was not too early for check-in) and didn't know if the person checking me in needed to be notified. No answer. I got checked in with no problems. Once in the unit, I needed the wi-fi code so I could work. No answer. Sent several messages about it to her phone and through the platform. No answer the next day. I finally found the wi-fi code and notified her. No answer. After that, she became available again whenever she needed to contact me, and has been available for the rare times I need anything (I'm very self-sufficient, I almost never need anything from a host).

A month or more after I moved in, I got a message from her that, due to these difficult financial times (the appeal to ethics and emotions), she needed to put the property up for sale, and would I be okay that she needed to show it. Althought I don't have to be, I've been very accommodating. I've sold my own home before, I know how important appearance is. I've tided for the photographers (twice as the first time they had to cancel through no fault of their own) and for two viewings. I only asked to be given 48 hours notice each time. The second viewing, there was no representative, and the people asked me questions, which is difficult for me as I'm only somewhat fluent in the language, but I didn't complain about it, I try to not be a jerk and complain about small things. After the second viewing, she offered to refund me $100 at the end of my stay, which I thought was very ethical. I told her thank you and I accepted. She did not send an offer through the platform, and I now have the feeling I will never see it. I'm letting it go. It's too petty to make a big deal out of, but the current concern is why I think I won't see it, should i make it to the end of the stay.

The only cause she's ever had for genuine concern was when the rent was due for my second month. I had already transferred money to my account for the withdrawal, but Airbnb reported that they could not complete the transaction. Of course she was concerned. But the money was there. I also could not access my reservation from the platform, there was a problem with the online system, and I'd experienced the platform issue many times in the months leading up to this issue. She told me she hoped the issue was resolved the next day, I told her it was my goal to have it resolved that same day, and I was finally able to access my reservation, resubmit my payment, and it went through immediately. Since then, both subsequent payments have gone through. Otherwise, I give no cause for concern. There are many employees in the building, there are security cameras, all of which can attest that  I never have guests, I live quietly, I keep the space very clean, and I am overall a conscientious guest. Because I live in Airbnbs and like the convenience of the platform as well as the variety of choices for places to live, I want to keep a good reputation and be in good graces with the company. So far I've had one mutually negative review, and have many excellent reviews. 

Now the most recent event which has given me the greatest cause for concern. She emailed me that she'd gotten the power bill, that they always ask guests to be mindful of energy usage, that the bill had never been that high, and would I be willing to help them out with approximately $45 US.

I really thought about it and tried to consider it from several angles to be fair and balanced. I told her that there was nothing about energy usage in the rules, but that I did find some printed rules in the unit which said to turn off the AC in a room when not in a room, and I do that. I happen to spend a lot of time in the room, but I always make sure to keep the door closed to not make the AC unit work harder. I explained that many hosts have rules that state if a guest goes over a certain amount of usage that they will have to pay the extra, and that while I have empathy that she didn't anticipate this issue (she's not a new host btw), it is not my responsibility to protect her. I pointed out how accommodating I've been about showing the property even thought I didn't have to, and that she had offered the $100 refund, so that it was no longer an act of generosity on my part, but that things were in balance between us. In the spirit of being fair and balanced, I would offer her a compromise: with the exception of when I am sleeping, I would be willing to turn off the AC when the room was cool enough, and turn it back on when the room started to get too warm, rather than maintaing the temperature for my comfort and convenience. I ended the email with a question: Do you accept my offer of this compromise?

Her response: "Do whatever your consciousness tells you to do."

I made a direct and reasonable request, to which there are only three possible answers: yes, no, or counteroffer.

In my life experience, I got hit in her response with a passive-aggressive move, and in my experience with the host, I got hit with the usual appeal to ethics. Frankly, we have a business contract through Airbnb, and my morals are not included as under her influence or control. Because of the repeated passive-agressions, I reasonably anticipate that when the next power bill comes in, if not before, that she's going to attack. Because I have not broken any rules and do nothing that could be a reason to kick me out, I anticipate she's going to do something like lie to Airbnb and say she has a sick relative and they need to stay in the space, or that something happened to her home and she needs to live in the space, or something else that will get me kicked out so that she doesn't look like she's breaking the contract. She may have a small penalty, but she can use another platform to rent the space, and she's trying to sell the property anyway, right? This is how I'm trying to logically figure out her stance. If she does something like this, then I'll have to make the effort of packing and finding another space that fits all of my needs in very short order. But I'm also not going to bend over and spend money I dont owe just to keep her from doing this. I have been ethical, and I'm not going to take on a responsbility that is not mine just for her personal convenience and comfort. Perhaps I'm being self-biased, I try not to be, but I believe I show appropriate appreciation by paying my rent on time, keeping the space very clean, and following all of the rules, and I told her this in my response where I was trying to work out fairness and balance. I've never once complained to her about her behaviors, not even when she didn't respond at check-in. I've never struck out at her for any reason. The closest I've come to criticism was to say I won't take responsibility to protect her when she did not protect herself.

So...

What can I do to protect myself in anticipation that she will lie to get me kicked out? It's my understanding that if the host makes a claim to get out of hosting the stay and it's within the rules, such as an emergency circumstance, then Airbnb will side with the host. Is there any possibility that by talking about it here, I've preemptively protected myself? Or am I just likely going to have to deal with the sudden inconvenience of having to move if that is her whim? I don't trust that if I tell her my concern, she will honor my concerns, but perhaps discussing this fear in messages with her via the platform will give me some protection? Or will Airbnb just not care? (She can of course keep the $100 she offered and it will equal the overage she would want me to pay for six months, but I have the feeling she's not going to view it like that, but instead go for revenge rather than balance, even though technically it's not balance if I didn't break a rule, only financial balance. Still, I could accept that, but I sense it won't be enough for her. Amd I'm not motivated to offer it as a compromise, but will be open to it if she does.) Any other suggestions I haven't considered?

P.S. Hosts, I respect you and your property. I've been a homeowner. I helped someone set up their airbnb and even hosted a guest for them. I have 25 years of customer service work experience at the lowest and highest levels. I get your challenges. I make sure to not be a demanding guest, I only want what is promised and contracted for, and to experience privacy and mutually respectful treatment. I appreciate any advice you can give me in this situation based on your experiences with airbnb, with guests, and with other hosts.

[Heidi588]

@Ann72, I really appreciated your perspective and input here. No, she will not see things the way we do. That's why I didn't go back and try to find resolution, because she doesn't want resolution. Everything is a battle, and a win-win situation is a lose for someone like that. By putting it on my consciousness [sic] (hah!), she felt like she got a win and that I lost. 

I was thinking today about the review she would leave. Actually, what I was thinking was about conflict resolution, that I could say, "I've been here three months. This is the review I would leave today, and here is the review I would like to leave. Here's the kind of review I strive to achieve for myself. It's still possible that you could change your review for the better." But then I realized it would be a total waste of time. She functions on conflict, not rationality, and she doesn't want resolution or mutual respect and well-being. She's got a telenovela going and I'm the vilainess while she's the heroic victim.

Since you've got such a good perspective on this, and since you're on the outside and not in the middle of it like I am, I'm curious if you have any predictions as to what kind of review I can expect? I won't gossip though I'm sorely tempted to, but I can say that she doesn't care about protecting others, such as warning hosts; she cares about how she's going to appear to others. What will that look like? Long-suffering? Altruistic? Benevolent? I will say this, if I ever cave and give her any power, she will say something negative in the review. Like, if prospective buyers show up unescorted and I let them in anyway after I set the boundary, she will feel more powerful and therefore want more power, and would not only make more entitled demands while I'm here, I bet she would slay me in the review. 

[Ann72]

@Heidi588  You're right that she's most invested in how she appears to others! 

How will she review?  Look at how she's reviewed other guests.  (You can get a Chrome extension called AirReview that shows a guest's review and the host's review right under it, or vice versa.)  Also, will she continue hosting if she sells?  Reviews are tied to a host, not to the listing, so if she's planning to continue, she'll be more invested in the review exchange than if she's not.

I think she'll go the martyr/benevolent route.  Which means that while you don't want to give her power, you do want to give her the opportunity to look like a savior.  One place to do that would be the apartment showing.  If someone shows up unescorted, you need to lay it on thick.  "They're here, and I don't know what to tell them!  I'm so worried I'll say the wrong thing and hurt the chances for a sale!  Can you talk to them?  Can you get someone from the office over?  I really want this to go great for you, and I don't know what to do!"

This doesn't give her power because you know exactly what you're doing and why.

Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing and try not to worry about the review.  I seriously don't think the written review will be negative in any way.  Even the stars might be fine.  But in no way is it going to be a hatchet job.

[Heidi588]

@Ann72, I considered the scenario you suggested, and I assert that it does give her power. It gives her the power to determine for me that this is a war and I must engage in defensive and manipulative countermoves in order to win -- with her, the war is about winning and losing. It would be an acceptance of her telenovela and the role she cast me in, that I didn't audition for, as a vilainess in opposition to her role as heroic victim. Instead, I accept her as she is, and I firmly and assertively maintain who I am, and the setting is the contract and the guest-host relationship. She may refuse to play her role in the contract, I cannot control that. 

I'm not worried about the review. 🙂  But I do like to have predictability if it's possible. Whether I have it or not, I maintain my stance and the boundary I took the initiative to outline, because my actions are my refuge and shelter. Manipulating in return destroys my peaceful inner refuge and weakens the protection of my shelter. 

Interestingly, guests do not see their own starts, only the reviews. I didn't even know guests received stars until I started participating in this forum!

[Ann72]

@Heidi588  Very well said.  You should stick to that and give up worrying about the review, because as you said there's nothing you can do to make it predictable when the person writing it is playing a different game in a different stadium than the one you're in.  You're playing win-win, she's playing zero-sum. 

Hosts see stars as an overall star count but we can't see the breakdown.  And a guest can't see his or her own stars.  I've tried to see my own and no luck.

[Sarah977]

@Heidi588 Thanks for the latest episode. I think you're right that she's not like this intentionally, she's just like that. And while she may have passive-aggressive ways of communicating that may be manipulative, I get the sense that she's just not a very articulate communicator, regardless of the language she's communicating in. 

I'm dealing with someone like that right now myself. A property manager for a house I've been asked to do some upholstery work for. I've dealt with her before, and I personally like her, but it's driving me crazy to try to make arrangements to come measure, pick up $ for materials, etc. She doesn't answer the questions I ask in a message, then sends me a text that is totally confusing. I've asked her 3 times now if this is the house on Las Palmas (she manages 3 houses and I've done work for 2), so I know where to go, and she just keeps giving me the name of the house. I've done work in hundreds of houses here, I can't remember the names of all the houses and already explained that to her. 

Your host is indeed being foolish, as if prospective buyers come to see the place on their own and you were to let them in for a look round, if you were so inclined you could point out all the flaws with the place to them, effectively undermining a sale. There's tenants who would do just that, if they wanted to stay long-term and didn't want the place to sell.

[Heidi588]

@Sarah977, ugh! I had to get out the popcorn to read the telenovela of your own situation! Only I couldn't eat because I feel that frustration. 

I respectfully suggest that framing it as having poor communication skills gives the other person an excuse for bad behavior, and that letting people get away with crossing boundaries breeds inner discontent and resentment. In both of our situations, the other person refuses to be pinned down, and for whatever reason, they refuse to agree to have the same conversations that we are having. It's not important to know why someone is disagreeing, but to recognize that they are and respond to the action, not the assumptions as to why. Does that make sense? Like, I am aware that this style of communication is a prominent part of the Latin culture, but just because it's normalized doesn't mean that it's okay, nor that I'm wrong for not liking it and for setting boundaries and refusing to cave in and engage with it on its terms. 

You blew my mind a little bit with the guest scenario you presented! If I were on the outside looking in, I probably would have made the same assessment, but for myself, it would never even cross my mind that such actions could be an option for me. I really enjoy this home and the amenities, and I've often wished I could extend the stay, but I accept the limitations already in place (I accept the boundary), and remind myself to more thoroughly appreciate and enjoy what I have while I have it. 

The scenario reminds me of what I wrote in my post about how to be a guest that hosts want to host -- we are each vulnerable to the other, and therefore we can each harm the other. I think it's easy to justify such actions based on personal wishes and convenience, which shuts out awareness of others and that our actions affect others. Many guests function like that, and even worse, can cross the line as you suggested. And worse still, can get away with it. 

[Sarah977]

@Heidi588  I wasn't suggesting at all that you would try to sabotage the sale of the place, I was saying that's a risk if a homeowner lets tenants show prospective buyers around if it was someone who wasn't ethical. 

When I say that someone has poor communication skills I don't see that as an excuse at all, because that's not something that can't be remedied. Not bothering to thoroughly read a message you received and answer all the questions that were asked on point seems to me a form of laziness and inattention and not really caring if you are frustrating the other party. 

Poor communication skills would be a valid excuse if someone was on the autism spectrum or had some kind of brain damage, but otherwise, I think it's a matter of people just not seeing the importance of, or caring if they're coming across clearly. They know what they mean by their message, and if you don't, that's your problem.

Re reviews:  Have you looked to see how she has reviewed past guests, or if she's even reviewed them at all? She sounds to me like the type who wouldn't bother herself to write a review. Just like she really only gets in touch with you when she wants something- it's all about her. 

And not all hosts are privy to seeing a guest's star ratings. A host has to use Instant Book to see them. Hosts like me who require guests to send booking requests, rather than IB, don't have that option. And even if I could see them, I don't put any stock at all in those- they are far too subjective and they don't tell you anything about why that rating was given. A host on another forum was conflicted about what rating to give a guest they'd had , described the guest's behavior, and asked for input from other hosts. About a dozen hosts responded, and the star ratings suggested ran the gamut from 2*s to 5*s. These were all experienced hosts, so what is a 5* guest to one host is a 2* guest to another. Therefore the ratings have no value as far as I'm concerned.

I base my acceptance of a booking on any written reviews there might be (discounting nothing reviews like "Nice guests"), any profile info the guest has bothered to write up, and the way they communicate.

[Heidi588]

@Sarah977, I didn't think you were suggesting that I would! It blew my mind because I don't often think about the power I have to hurt others. lt's like the joke that's a test to see if you're a pscyhopath -- "You meet a woman at your sister's wedding but don't get her number, so you kill your sister. Why?" My reponse is, "Uh..." The psychopath's response: "So the woman will show up at the funeral and I can get her number."

I see what you're saying about mindlessness/unawareness in communication skills. 

I looked through the guest reviews and her reivews before I booked to see if there were any red flags. People left good reviews, she took constructive criticim well, and she left guest good reviews, but like you pointed out, they're "nice guests" types. Now I understand she's not even here, and she barely interacts, she has the staff greet them and the housekeeper report any problems to her. She's been a host for five years btw.

I get the impression that she hasn't hosted long-term stays. The place sleeps 10, there are a lot of large family and group gatherings here, and I can imagine she'd be a decent host for short-term stays based on how it's all set up. And I'm pretty particular about protecting myself by keeping communications on the platform, not everyone is, especially if they're short term or don't use Airbnb much. The first time we met, the housekeeper wanted me to take her cell number if I needed anything and I said no, I use the message platform through Airbnb (Whoa, I'm starting to get why the host fights me -- it may be because, even though I hardly ever need anything, I actually make her host!).

The only red flag before I booked was in the rules, to treat the housekeeper Sra. _____ with respect. I didn't know why it felt like a red flag, and I told myself to remain wary but also thought, well, maybe some groups are entitled and inconsiderate. Then I had to deal with her. Holy cow. Quadruple the telenovela in comparison to the host. 

I didn't know she was an employee of the building and that there are other housekeepers available, I thought she was employed by the host and I didn't want to get into an even weirder situation by complaining, so I addressed the problem myself rather than running and tattling as I felt that it would blow up on me somehow.

Ready for popcorn?

Here's what the tone was like: I felt like I was the mother and she was a teenage daughter who hated anything I said, would verbally agree to anything I asked, and then would rebel and do exactly the opposite out of spite. 

Here's how it went down: I set out from the beginning that I like my privacy and I like to clean for myself so I have a sense of normalcy. She told me, "Tienes razón." I gave her four tasks, two of which I don't like to do for myself, and she laughed and told me the tasks at home she doesn't like to do for herself. I set the expectation that she could do the four tasks in an hour and I could go back to my peace. She agreed.

From the first day, she would do extra things. I'd hear the dishes and catch her taking them out of the drainer and putting them away in places other than where I keep them for my convenience (the rules say guests are responsible for their dishes). I laughed and reminded her, please, only the things on the list, no más. Of course she smiled and agreed. I caught her scrubbing the toilet when I'd already cleaned it and she only needed to do the floors and shower, again a friendly reminder about extra tasks, and una hora, no más She agreed. Then when I had walking pneumonia, she sprayed roach spray in the kitchen. I stopped her, reminded her to tell me if I'd overlooked a task rather than doing it herself, and started wheezing. She started taking an hour and a half, then two hours. One day I went into the kitchen for something and she was just standing there whispering on the phone. She hung up. From then on, she got colder and more sour, and took two hours. The final straw was when she pulled my compost container out of the dish drainer (I put the food in the trash right before she arrives and rinse out the container) and she left it out soaking with dish soap, to prove I don't clean well enough. And I just realized as I'm writing, when I moved in, I cleaned all the caked-up dust from the backs and sides of decorative tables and consoles, and the tops of picture frames. She'd gotten away with not being checked up on for a long time, and she must have noticed. I never said anything to her about it. So she found a little bit of food in the container and the statement was, "Hah! You think you're such a good housekeeper! Look what you missed!" 

So after a couple of months of this, with the container as the last straw, I wrote her an assertive letter, told her no more telenovela, restated for the last time the boundaries and limits she had agreed to, and what the natural consequences would be if she chose to continue, including reporting her to the host. When she came to the apartment that day, as she walked up the stairs to the kitchen, I told her to have a good afternoon, went to my room and shut the door. I had left her the usual instructions and money, the letter in a sealed envelope, and a note that said I disengage from the battle, I am not available for the rest of the afternoon, please lock the door when you leave. 

A few days later, the host emailed me that I was getting a new housekeeper for a couple months as the first one had had a nervous breakdown and was taking a couple months off! I have no idea if that was true. If it was, the host revealed she doesn't keep other people's private information to herself (I actually felt defensive for the housekeeper, because I knew she wouldn't want me to know something like that about her). If it was somehow meant to make me feel ashamed, um, no. In writing this out I realize it probably came from her and not the host, I don't think the host is aware or she would have turned up the drama and I would have had to make efforts to reassure her. Reassuring her is one of my unlisted responsibilities. 

Your comments in this thread keep drawing things out as I write responses, and help me see the situation more clearly. Once again, thank you! 

[Sarah977]

@Heidi588  The behavior of the cleaner, while part of it definitely has to do with her personality and character, is, I can tell you, also cultural. Very common where I live. Smile and agree, then turn around and do the exact opposite or sabotage somehow. Who knows where different cultural traits come from, that's a study all on it's own and of course not everyone within those cultures behaves the same way. Maybe in this part of the world it arose from that sort of behavior being the only way the peons could get back at the wealthy land owners for the bad working conditions they were subject to. 

I had a cleaner for 5 years who was really a lovely woman and a great cleaner who didn't miss anything. But she would often rearrange things when she was well aware that every time she came to work, they were in the same place they were the last time she came to clean, because that's where I like to keep them. It was like she was trying to show that she thinks they look or function better her way, but she'd never come out and say that. 

While I don't like knicknacks, I have a few things that might look that way to others, but have significance to me. So on one surface I have a little sculpture one of my daughters made, some feathers I've collected over the years in a small vase, a tiny brass bell, and a glass jar with frankincense resin in it. My sense of design has me arranging those things with 3 of them close together and the fourth a little distance away. Every time my cleaner would come and dust that shelf, she would space those 4 things out all in a row with the exact same distance between each of them. When she left, I'd put them back the way I like them. This went on for 5 years, we never talked about it, it was like some secret joke.

"...when I moved in, I cleaned all the caked-up dust from the backs and sides of decorative tables and consoles, and the tops of picture frames." Also very common here and not necessarily that they are slacking. There's an attitude that if you can't see it, it doesn't require cleaning. A cleaner here will spend half an hour cleaning out the fridge, washing down all the shelves, wiping down the front and sides, yet leave a half inch of dust on the top.

And a typical Mexican house will have the front of the house plastered and painted, but the sides and back left as bare cement block, as if it's a stage set.

[Heidi588]

Ooh, I have been through so much of that. There's definitely some poking at power, leveling the playing field maybe? Fortunately the new housekeeper is super fast and efficient. 

I started to write about Latino culture, I've interacted with it for much of my life, and then I deleted it. Suffice it to say, disempowerment and oppression are pervasive throughout the culture at every level. Passive-aggression -- wearing a mask, agreeing, poking and getting revenge -- is one possible way to have power when it's otherwise impossible. I've studied and observed, it totally makes sense how it develops, and I've read it is the most difficult personality type to deal with. It certainly is for me. 

I've observed in Mexican cities that freestanding buildings are only finished in the front because one never knows when a building will go up next door. But I've never seen it in houses. I wonder if it's become a city chiq aesthetic. My favorite has always been all the exposed rebar on top of roofs -- no taxes for incomplete buildings, they're planning to add another level...mañana...

[Sarah977]

@Heidi588  Haha, yes the exposed rebar sticking up from the roof- I made my construction crew cut it off and cement and seal the roof well over it. What happens when you leave it like that is that the rebar rusts, way into the roof and walls, and eventually blows the cement apart.