Dealing with a guest that keeps asking when you’re going out...

[Stephanie1750]

So I hosted for my first time It was fine it was slightly strange at first for me having someone in my house especially in older man and I’m 26 year old female.

I could tell as soon as he arrived he wanted privacy and it was fairly late we didn’t talk much but we had the odd conversation during the stay and he was perfectly polite and friendly. I just started to feel a little bit weary when the first day he text me when I was going to be back if I was going out - I let him know that I was planning to go out in the evening.

And then the second day he does the same thing he asked when I’m going to be around and when I’m not over text... at this point I was thinking a little bit concerned that he wanted to know when I was in the premise. I think the third day he actually came up to me in person asked me if I was planning to go out later and at this point I was getting a little bit fed up because obviously the room is up for rent up not the whole flat.... he was asking about if the main TV in the living room could link up to a phone even though he has a TV in his private room.

I don’t know if that was a excuse/ decoy as in my reaction I was a little bit more Iffy with him asking yet again when I was going out. I let him know he’s more than welcome to watch TV whenever. For the majority of this stay I stayed in my room because I didn’t want to get in his way and felt a little uncomfortable. He was only paying £35 night but he seem very happy when he left but he left four days earlier than he planned to say that he had ‘all clear to go home’ he didn’t actually tell me his reasoning for coming even though I asked him..

I was just wonder if anyone else had the same issue with a guest asking about whether you’re going to be in or out repetitively? And if I was rightfully allowed to feel a little annoyed on the third/forth time of him asking me.. 

[Emiel1 · Accepted solution]

@Stephanie1750 

Why not respond to the guest with: why do you want to know this?  :>)

[Stephanie1750]

@Emiel1 I definitely wanted to ask this and in any other circumstance I would have. I just thought at the time perhaps it’s my own misunderstanding maybe this is a normal thing for guest to ask. Looking back now obviously there was more to it but it was my first time hosting!... my friends thought that perhaps he wanted to bring a lady over which was making me feel really creeped out 😂.... I didn’t ask him because I don’t wanna make it awkward as well knowing that he was meant to stay another 5 more nights! 

[Heidi588]

If he wanted privacy, there are entire places or  hotel rooms. If he couldn't afford it, bummer for him. I would have felt creeped out, I wouldn't have ever given him an honest answer, and if I weren't stuck in some kind of a fear mode, I'd have gotten him to leave, probably tried to find a big guy to be with me when I told him to go. I like @Emiel1's suggestion a lot, it's empowered and put his stuff back on him. But yes, I think your feeling annoyed was not only valid, anger is a useful indicator that a boundary is being pushed or crossed. 

[Stephanie1750]

@Heidi588  thank you for the reply it was more I felt uncomfortable because I felt like he wanted to bring someone over... when he was asking if I was leaving he was in his dressing gown (the third or forth time now)... he was asking if he could link his phone to my TV In the living room I was thinking perhaps you want to watch some type of explicit material😂😂 and the annoyance came in because I actually wasn’t in the flat much it was the evenings which I’m entitled to relax in my own flat.. I actually didn’t even spend any time in the living room mostly my room. So was a little bit confused as to what he wanted he expected me too do seeing as he was paying just for a room? He left five days early so I actually got the pay, he wasn’t annoyed he said he had a really good experience and I was a great host... I assume perhaps he had an argument with his wife and she took him back hence why he left 😂  It was definitely uncomfortable vibes, perhaps I just host for other women.. I also don’t have locks on my door! Can’t be too sure these days! 

[Sarah977]

That was kind of my thought, too- that he either wanted to have someone over, or he wanted to watch porn. 

As a female home-share host, you can certainly make your listing females-only. I host in my home, both males and females, and all the male guests I've had have been really nice guys and totally respectful. But I'm 71, not 26, so it's a little different.

And as I live in a touristy beach town, most of my guests are out and about all day, not hanging around the house. Also, their bedroom/private bathroom has a separate outside entrance and while guests are welcome to use my kitchen (my living room isn't listed as shared space, and I don't think you need to offer it yourself, since your guest room has its own TV- it's okay not to let guests have access to the whole house aside from your bedroom and can help you not feel invaded), the majority of my male guests don't seem to cook much- they more use the kitchen to put some beers in the fridge or make a sandwich.

@Stephanie1750 

[Stephanie1750]

@Sarah977 yes thank you for the suggestion I assume making it just female would probably limit my income a bit too much... Reading the replies I think specifying the spaces guests can use is super important just for my own comfort.  I did specify the spaces that can be used by the host on the options but maybe I need to write this in my house rules as some don’t understand it’s a room rent for that price not a flat 🙄

[Sarah977]

You could try making it females-only for awhile ad see if your bookings go way down. You could always change it back if they do.

You might be surprised- some women, especially those travelling on their own, are looking for just that- for whatever reason, they just feel more comfortable knowing that it's a female only household. So that could be a draw, you never know.

But for sure, there's no reason to not to accept male guests just because your first guest was male and happened to behave oddly. And as we all know, there's some strange women out there in the world as well. 

@Stephanie1750

[Sarah977]

It's definitely strange and invasive behavior. And you never have to ask if you are "allowed" to feel annoyed, or any other emotion. How something makes you feel isn't for anyone else to judge. 

One thing I'll say, as a fellow home-share host. If you feel like you have to hide away in your room to stay out of a guest's way or because they make you uncomfortable in your own home, then you need to learn some skills for making your boundaries clear, assessing which guests you can be relaxed and chatty with and which ones may be likely to take simple friendliness as a invitation to over-familiarity.

If a guest is doing something which annoys you or is clearly against your house rules or helping themselves to your food or toiletries, it's important to let them know, in a tactful way, right away- letting it fester, not saying anything, hiding yourself away, will make home-sharing a difficult and unpleasant experience.

It doesn't have to be confrontational- sometimes you can even use humor and then just move on to something else, so it doesn't seem like some attack- "Hey dude, I couldn't help notice that your bathroom aim isn't great- girls sit down to pee, you know. How about wiping down the toilet seat with those bleach wipes under the sink when you're finished? Hey, did you have time to check out that nice little cafe around the corner I told you about?" 

@Stephanie1750 

[Stephanie1750]

@Sarah977 Thanks for your response and you’re completely right I do need to have better boundaries I just kept in my head thinking this is my first host and did everything I could to really give him a comfortable stay and to gain good feedback really as I need the income. Because he wasn’t breaking a house rule and he generally was polite and we had a few conversations ... it was difficult to not come across confrontational when asking why he wanted to know when I was out.  I assume I wasn’t going to get the honest answer and didn’t ask him but next time I think I need to make it clear that he’s paid for a room not the flat so he doesn’t need to know.

[Helen3]

You don’t need to be confrontational you could just say something like ‘ I’m not sure of my plans yet. What are you planning to do? ‘

I can’t see any reason for him to attach a phone to your TV. Did you ask why he wanted to do this?  

You might want to look at not including living Room access to guests both because it means you then have this space to yourself and also because during Covid it’s best to minimise the time you spend in the same room as your guest.

£36 sounds low for a London room rate.

I would also suggest you make it part of your house rules that guests need to tell you plans for their stay and where they are from.

[Stephanie1750]

@Helen3 Funnily enough I did ask him and he would just say I’m going out and coming back it was quite vague. As expressed above I didn’t want to make things awkward so maybe it was my fault by not finding out but I suspect he wouldn’t of told me his real plans anyway...I think he wanted to attach his phone to my TV because one is a lot bigger than the one in his room and it’s a smart tv... I think he has Netflix on his phone... I actually don’t include my living room on the description but because I kept having the feeling that he wanted more space than the small double room for a long stay which I kind of understand as it  the room is quite small hence the price... either way he actually extended after the first night so knew what he as getting! So odd! @Helen3 

[Stephanie1750]

@Helen3 i’ve just re-read our messages and I asked him the purpose of this day and he said in response that he had to be out the house for a minimum of two days.....hmmm strange 

[Ute42]

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@Stephanie1750 

I have an adjacent building to the house I rent on my premises. On check-in I tell my guests, that sometimes I'm here and sometimes I'm not. I deliberately leave them in uncertainty if and when I am on site. I would never answer a guests question „are You home this evening?“.

My plans can change any minute. Sometimes I myself am surprised how fast these changes happen. But one thing is for sure: If a guest ever asks me: „Are You home this evening?“ I will defenitely be at home that very evening.

[Stephanie1750]

In the end that’s why I did actually I said that my boyfriend will be in and out the house even though we split up a few months ago  I wanted him to know that there would be someone coming in. I even said I was coming back earlier than I did because I just want to see what he was doing but he was just in his room... I even stayed in the whole evening when he asked me for the last time as I felt enough was enough and he checked out the next day so I don’t like to jump to conclusions but I think he wanted to bring someone in the flat... @Ute42