How to review a recent guest

[Kath9]

OK, I have tricky one. I had a booking for 1 guest, male, about 70. On booking, I sent my usual blurb about reading house rules blah blah and he replied that he was a host as well and therefore knew all about house rules (although, strangely, he had zero reviews as a host and only 1 as a guest from a few years prior).

Anyhow, he arrives, he seems lovely, well-spoken and intelligent. We had similar views on many things and we're having a great chat. He mentioned that he'd forgotten to bring his dinner, so I shared my dinner (and wine) with him (both of which he tucked right into). All seemed well at first, but then he began to make the odd inappropriate comment that made me feel quite uncomfortable. For example, he LOVED doing cryptic crosswords and had brought a bunch with him, so we did a couple the night he arrived. When he asked, 'shall we do another?' and I said OK, he replied 'here or in bed?' (smiling suggestively). He continued to make similar comments over the next 3 days as well as questioning me about my love life (which in my mind is no one's business but mine and close friends). Once, he got changed with his door standing wide open so that I was confronted with the sight of a FULLY NAKED man (I'm sure this was deliberate). He also then had a shower in the (shared) bathroom with the door open. I locked my bedroom door at night.

His last night, I came into the kitchen to find that he was making himself some dinner with stuff he'd scrounged from my kitchen. He hadn't bothered shopping for food for himself, so I guess he just thought he'd eat mine. When he finished eating, he said, 'now I feel like something sweet - where do you keep your marmalade?' Me: 'I don't have marmalade'. Him: 'Honey? Do you have any honey?' Was there something about him being a 'host' that meant we were now best mates and he could just help himself to my stuff?

So, this guy lives in my state and is likely to be back. In fact, he said as much, that he REALLY looked forward to coming back down and staying again. Although, overall, I enjoyed his company, his inappropriate comments and nudity made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I don't want him to stay here again. I also don't know how to review him - to be honest, I 'm worried that if I leave him a bad review, he might somehow confront me (as he now has my number, which he has used to message me several times rather than going through ABB messaging). BTW, guys, THIS is what the #MeToo movement is all about. Men making women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, even in their own homes 😞

Please help! (looking at you @Sarah977 and @Robin4).

[Alexandra316]

@Kath9 I totally hear you about the "too nice to say anything" thing. Especially as hosts, we feel like we have to be nice. That's how guys continue to get away with this kind of thing: relying on the fact that women will be "too nice" to say anything about it. It's a tricky position to be put into, especially when you're alone and you're the host and he's the guest.

[Sarah977]

@Robin4 Here's a bit more as to how I feel about this- men aren't women and I don't expect them to be. Men are extremely visual when it comes to getting turned on- an attractive woman just has to walk by for them to get horny. It's naive of women to think that if they go out with major cleavage showing and a teeny skirt, that men won't look or think they are looking for action, although of course that's not license to touch or be persistent if a woman indicates she's not interested.

I would hate to see a world where flirting or a sexual comment is considered verboten. I think a lot of men these days are confused as to what is acceptable flirting and what crosses the line. I don't think that this guy was terribly offensive in what he said to Kath re "Here or in the bedroom?", although hemight have let her take the lead if he thought it was a possibility. Maybe he actually thought that since they were having so much fun she might really be open to some playtime and was just trying it on. But when she obviously didn't respond in kind, making sure she saw him naked the following day was super inappropriate and definitely offensive.

[Ricardo741]

I am in full support of you, being neutral and looking at every possible way things could have unfold. The man was very rude at the end and luckily the host said she did not flirt with him.

[Lilly28]

@Kelly149 @Robin4 

I have a question about reviewing guests. Is it possible that I erase my reviews I already written of my last 4 guests?/as excellent 5-stars guests/.  I am still within the 14 days period allowing to write a review, but I feel exploited as a stupid person allowing these guests to take as much as possible for less the price my washing for them is worth - and not bothering after that to tell me even one Thanks in their review. All 4 promised to write me one - but did not, and two of them were first users. 

[Helen350]

@Lilly28 If the 14 day period after check out is not yet up, then it is possible that your silent guests will still yet review you. You can't change YOUR review of them once 2 days have passed since you wrote it. As soon as both reviews are posted, neither can be edited, but each of you gets ONE response to the other's review.

Don't fret that you gave them 5 stars & they are silent (if they never review) - It could be they don't understand how important it is to hosts, or, in the unlikely event that they were not impressed, you are better off with no review, than a bad review! And it's nice to reward guests with 5* reviews if they deserve it, although it can be hurtful when they don't review, it doesn't make someone a bad guest, & I don't think we should only give 5* when we think they'll do the same for us!

[Flavia195]

@Kath9 review with the true. That man can be dangerous for other women.

[Jeremy100]

Try ‘thanks for respecting my home but next time try respecting me’ one star ⭐️ please don’t come back.

[Branka-and-Silvia0]

@Kath9 

70 y.o. walking around naked and inviting you in bed 😄 😄 OMG! And what if you said yes? He would get a heart attack 😄 😄 aaahaha 

[Kath9]

@Branka-and-Silvia0 Hahaha, yes, maybe, but then I would have had to deal with that too! Oh god, the thought!

[Rowena29]

@Kath9 

Even if you were super generous and made heaps of allowances for his age and possibly his generation and the idea that he thought he was just being kind of charming and funny and  witty (i've worked with clueless  older generation blokes like this and they honestly think they're being flattering, or they get a power kick out of seeing how embarrased you are), the whole helping himself to your food and asking for honey etc is what I would find more threatening

The suggestiveness and nakedness is completely out of line and unacceptable of course,  but combined with the  settling into your house and supplies like he's your partner or best friend tips it over into the seriously creepy for me,  I agree with @Kath9, he needs to be called out on it, firmly and clearly.   Quite possibly he thought you were appreciative and loving his domineering, dominating manner. I doubt he'll change. quite possibly he'll be genuinely hurt and  completely unable to see what YOUR problem is. (Pitiful really.)  And for future reference I think the absolute best way to handle nakedness is to  LAUGH. Very deflating in every connotation.  Very easy to be wise in hindsight though, and I can understand how gobsmacked you were.   

WOW what an unpleasant experience

[Kath9]

@Rowena29 I think you're right on the money.  I'm sure he has no idea and probably did think he was being cool and charming making himself completely at home and getting changed with the door open. Funnily enough, I WAS more annoyed at him just helping himself to my food. Like he actually went looking around in cupboards and things to find something to eat. And when I was lighting a fire, which I literally do every day all winter long, he said 'would you like me to do that for you?' like I was obviously incapable of it because I was female. I didn't hear him ask if he could do the cooking and cleaning for me when he saw me doing that! Ha, I wish I had laughed when I saw him buck naked! As well as calling him Harvey Weinstein!

[Sarah977]

@Kath9  What a lot of guys don't realize, funnily,  is that the majority of women, at least the ones I know, don't happèn to find male equipment particularly attractive or enticing unless it's attached to someone they're fond of. So while the sight of a naked woman may be exciting for most heterosexual guys, for women it doesn't usually work that way. We tend to need to feel more of a connection with a guy on more than just a visual level.

[Helen350]

I have a line in my house rules about treating other residents with respect. (Not doing anything that would cause them nuisance.) That way I can ding or evict a guest for behaviour such as you describe @Kath9 .

It seems your guest was not treating YOU with respect Kath. 

I think you should be explicit about his behaviour in your review, on the basis that other female hosts would wish to be warned, and can decline, or ask Airbnb CS to cancel an IB on the grounds of not feeling comfortable with the reservation, based on a previous review. 

I like to err on the side of charity in my reviews & not publicly shame people for minor issues, or things which might offend me, but be perfectly acceptable to others. I ask myself 'Would all hosts find this unacceptable, or is it just me? 'If I think it's just me, I don't make an issue of it.  BUT, I think your naked, suggestive guest has crossed a lot of lines in anybody's book, & you owe it to other hosts to warn them. And who knows, he could up the ante, and actually physically assault someone next time? (Of course you can't speculate in a review about what he MIGHT do; that would be defamation & he could get it taken down, - but you should warn others about what he DID do.)

[Branka-and-Silvia0]

Look @Kath9  whatever you say and whatever you write he will say you are a frustrated woman and you don't know what you want 😄 so show no mercy!

@Robin4 

he behaves in the way he would like she behaves (walking around naked, inviting him in bed, etc...)  It never crossed his mind that he is not desirable to every female on the earth and beyond. Well known male ego trip :)))

[Kath9]

@Sarah977 @Alexandra316 @Branka-and-Silvia0 @Helen350 @Rowena29 @Robin4 and everyone else I can't tag. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement and for helping me to put this in perspective. My natural inclination is to just ignore something like this and be glad when it's gone. But your words have given me the courage to address this head on. Therefore, I have just sent him the following message through Airbnb messaging:

Hi XXX,

After having a few days, I feel like I need to reach out and touch base. First, I just want to say how much I genuinely enjoyed your company - we shared similar views on many things and it was really lovely chatting with you. However, it seemed that our friendly and relaxed demeanour might have led you to cross some boundaries. Some of your suggestive/flirtatious comments as well as getting changed and showered with the door open were highly inappropriate and made me feel extremely uncomfortable. While I don't have an issue with nudity per se, seeing my Airbnb guests stark naked is not something I expect or want. I was even starting to worry whether you might come into my room at night! Additionally, I felt that helping yourself to my food uninvited also crossed a line. I was generous enough to allow you to stay an extra night, after everything and at inconvenience to myself, but that did not give you license to settle in and start treating my home like it was your own.

I hope you can understand that, as a single female, I have to have a lot of trust to open my home night after night to complete strangers, including men. Like many single female hosts, I could restrict my listing to females and couples only, but I don't wish to discriminate against single men who do the right thing. In two and half years of hosting, no male guest has ever made me feel uncomfortable until now.

I've struggled with how to approach this as I did enjoy your company on the whole and I'm sure that you genuinely didn't realise how your behaviour was affecting me. However, I really feel that it's important for me to speak up, on behalf of women everywhere, to let you know that your words and actions made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home. I hope this gives you some insight for when you are staying with female hosts in the future.

I will wait a few days before reviewing, but I am going to be honest and fair in my review and give him a thumbs down so he (hopefully) can't IB with me or other hosts. I will keep you posted as to whether (and how!) he responds. 

AIso, I was wrong about him having no reviews as a host (for some reason, these weren't showing on my phone, but when I sent him the above message on my desktop, I could see them). All reviews were glowing except one from a female guest who felt uncomfortable because the bathroom window was open to the outside, and therefore, she was completely exposed when showering. Hmmm, it does make you wonder...