How to review a recent guest

[Kath9]

OK, I have tricky one. I had a booking for 1 guest, male, about 70. On booking, I sent my usual blurb about reading house rules blah blah and he replied that he was a host as well and therefore knew all about house rules (although, strangely, he had zero reviews as a host and only 1 as a guest from a few years prior).

Anyhow, he arrives, he seems lovely, well-spoken and intelligent. We had similar views on many things and we're having a great chat. He mentioned that he'd forgotten to bring his dinner, so I shared my dinner (and wine) with him (both of which he tucked right into). All seemed well at first, but then he began to make the odd inappropriate comment that made me feel quite uncomfortable. For example, he LOVED doing cryptic crosswords and had brought a bunch with him, so we did a couple the night he arrived. When he asked, 'shall we do another?' and I said OK, he replied 'here or in bed?' (smiling suggestively). He continued to make similar comments over the next 3 days as well as questioning me about my love life (which in my mind is no one's business but mine and close friends). Once, he got changed with his door standing wide open so that I was confronted with the sight of a FULLY NAKED man (I'm sure this was deliberate). He also then had a shower in the (shared) bathroom with the door open. I locked my bedroom door at night.

His last night, I came into the kitchen to find that he was making himself some dinner with stuff he'd scrounged from my kitchen. He hadn't bothered shopping for food for himself, so I guess he just thought he'd eat mine. When he finished eating, he said, 'now I feel like something sweet - where do you keep your marmalade?' Me: 'I don't have marmalade'. Him: 'Honey? Do you have any honey?' Was there something about him being a 'host' that meant we were now best mates and he could just help himself to my stuff?

So, this guy lives in my state and is likely to be back. In fact, he said as much, that he REALLY looked forward to coming back down and staying again. Although, overall, I enjoyed his company, his inappropriate comments and nudity made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I don't want him to stay here again. I also don't know how to review him - to be honest, I 'm worried that if I leave him a bad review, he might somehow confront me (as he now has my number, which he has used to message me several times rather than going through ABB messaging). BTW, guys, THIS is what the #MeToo movement is all about. Men making women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, even in their own homes 😞

Please help! (looking at you @Sarah977 and @Robin4).

[Sarah977]

@Kath9  Excellent message! Quite nice and professional but very much to the point. Thanks on behalf of all female hosts and women everywhere.

I'll be really curious to hear if and what kind of response you get, unless you've already blocked him from contacting you.

[Alexandra316]

@Kath9 If I could give you a standing ovation, I would. Very well said, and good for you for saying something to this person. Hopefully he will consider his behavior more carefully.

[Ricardo741]

From a mans perspective I honestly had to laugh. Especially when the 70  years old man asking his hosting lady for additional marmalade while standing in her kitchen. Lol, only in movies and on Airbnb can something like this happen. Let us be frank, some lady love to be hunted while others prefer to negotiate. In your case, you should have drawn the line despite having a chat with the guest.  I believe that you may have found this man interested and inadvertently given him suggestive hints that caused him to push further and further. You probably realized that you went too far and became doubtful about stopping him and also became concern about a retaliatory review.  Please tell the man about your true feeling in a respectful way, and what you will do if he continues with his outlandish and ill mannered behavior. You should also apologize for giving him any form of acceptance, whether by mistake or by will, thereafter you should restate your house rules. Next time around put business first, unless you are looking for someone nice to settle down with. Nothing is wrong with that. In fact you are a beautiful lady from what I can see on your Airbnb profile picture.  I am just giving you my honest opinion on the matter.

[Kath9]

@Ricardo741, thanks for your input but trust me, I gave no 'suggestive hints' whatsoever. Let me say this loud and clear: women are NOT usually to blame for men's bad behaviour. Are you seriously suggesting I was at fault here? I hosted him as I do any guest and I have absolutely nothing to apologise for. 

[Ricardo741]

Once you did not give him any reason, you were ok. You know he will have a different version of the story so I was being neutral. Overall I did great especially the response I read. His behaviors was not good based on what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

@Ricardo741  I have to say, while I'm not qualified to express a woman's perspective on male attention, I strongly disagree with you on the notion that @Kath9  has something to apologize for.

It is possible that the guest initially mistook his hostess's friendliness and generosity for some other kind of desire. But hosting is first and foremost a service job - regardless of your gender, you're expected to be attentive and approachable with your customers. Does every service worker who treats a man with kindness because that's their job have to feel remorseful when he thinks that's a signal to take his junk out?

[Ricardo741]

I do agree with you but trust me I have seen police lock up many good men who female flirt with who turns out to be broke. Then suddenly becuabe of their empty pocket lost admiration and respect from their potential woman. In this case, the host responded that she did not do any such thing. As a result she have nothing to appologise for. She did great especially in her response to the guest.

[Helen350]

@Ricardo741 THUMBS DOWN! 😞 😞 😞

- I have never been a militant feminist, & I don't believe women should toy with men, BUT @Kath9  did nothing wrong imo in her showing hospitality to a traveler on his/her own. (EspecialIy one old enough to be her father!) - I myself, other hosts I know, & no doubt hosts I don't know offer HOSPITALITY, by a chat, & maybe some food & drink around the dining table. It could be considered a part of being a good host.... It is inappropriate for anyone to interpret good old fashioned hospitality as a come on.

[Kath9]

Wow, we're educating men left, right and centre here. Thanks @Helen350 and @Anonymous. #metoo

[Alexandra316]

Guys use this as an excuse for sexually harassing women in the service industry often: "Well, she was nice to me, she obviously wants the sexual attention!" No. Just no, no, no. She's being nice because it's her job. That's literally the definition of customer service, and it appalls me that there are people out there too dense to realize this. For every guy who thinks that the teenaged cashier, or their waitress, or some other woman who works for tips or in a minimum wage job is flirting with you: get a grip, and do better.

I overheard a conversation between the cashiers at the supermarket at my cottage a few weeks ago, talking about how many times a day middle aged guys say inappropriate, overtly sexual things, and it's disgusting and disappointing. These are teenagers, and the men could be their dads. Trust me: they are not interested.

[Robin4]

@Kath9 

That was very well worded Kath, you don't need tips from anyone else, you are doing just fine.

From your initial post, I hadn't realised you wanted to confront him full on like that, but I am sure he will get the message from that response of yours.

Well done Kath.

Cheers.....Rob 

[Kath9]

@Robin4, no, my initial reaction wasn't to message him directly at all. It was @Sarah977 and other's here who encouraged me to speak to him directly, which I think is actually a much better approach than simply leaving a public negative review. This way, I could explain to him exactly how his actions made me feel so that hopefully he might learn something. Looks like it might have worked! (see my later post for his replies).

[Helen427]

@Kath9 @Helen350 @Anonymous @Ricardo741 @Sarah977 @everyone_else

Good on you @Kath9  for raising #MeToo.

We have been putting up with the sexist crap for too long.

Maybe he usually lives on his own & doesn't think twice about leaving the door open when he is by himself, alas when one is in another's home that is a different story.

It appears he has very much crossed boundaries with his very subtle remarks.

It probably isn't uncommon for a bloke his age to offer to light the fire.

I've had a couple of recent guest who were chivalrous and offered to fix a couple of things up for me when staying which I appreciated.

Yes you could contact & pass on his details & what happened to Police, simply so it's attached to his file, as you never know if he has or is capable of doing other things to other unsuspecting people, particularly women.

Been there, done that in reporting a very unsavory character who had a history of sexual harassment amongst other unpleasant behaviors, & he much to the Police's annoyance took his rot to his grave as they failed to do proper background checks in there systems which unfortunately are disjointed, he had a real smooth talking insidious manner which as a woman I picked up on far quicker than the men in the Police force -lesson's learnt all around.

Word of advice, sexual harassment and harassment in general is very subtle & can remain undetected for years before it's properly picked up.

I'm unashamed to have kicked open the door on the international front in reporting Harassment. notably sexual Harassment, under the  provisions of Harassment Law a number of years ago -A law which has now been around 22 years and is underutilized.

All the best

[Kath9]

@Helen427, yes, we HAVE been putting up with this sexist crap for far too long and I had to bring up #MeToo because this, more than any other movement than I know of, has given us permission to speak up. This is what I kept thinking of while all this was happening. Men have continued behaving badly because we women have let them get away with it by NOT speaking up (of which I am 100% guilty). Of course, mostly we haven't spoken up because of fear - of losing our jobs, of not getting that promotion, of being publicly shamed, of being beaten or raped - but still, this needs to end. We simply cannot stay silent on this anymore.

Regarding the fire issue: I just want to say I'm not one of those strident feminists who gets up on my high horse every time a man offers to help me with something. Believe me, I will happily accept help anytime it's offered (one of my Airbnb guests spent his entire stay helping me build a shed!) And if I hadn't yet got round to lighting the fire and he'd offered, I might have accepted. But I was literally in the middle of doing it - I was just finishing laying it and was about to light it when he asked me that, so it just felt a bit insulting.

[Sarah977]

@Ricardo741  You see, that is exactly what women have had enough of- having to second guess anything they might say or do around men so as not to give the "wrong idea". It's a sad state of affairs when a female host can't have an enjoyable, fun evening in lively conversation with a male guest with whom they share common interests, without him thinking she wants to sleep with him. 

Many home-share hosts decided to host not only to generate a little extra income, but because we truly like meeting people from all over, be they male or female, straight or gay, white, black, brown. "Maintaining a professional distance" is the antithesis of that.

I've had several male guests with whom I shared much the same interaction with that Kath did with her guest. But none of those men took it as anything more than being friendly and fun. That's the difference between men who "get it" and men who don't.