super inappropriate guest behaviour and how to write him a review

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Karianne2
Level 2
Antananarivo, Madagascar

super inappropriate guest behaviour and how to write him a review

Hello everyone,

 

Me and my boyfriend who are relatively new to Air-bnb have an inhouse listing, a private room with private bathroom. We´ve had 5 good experiences this far, until a guy from Brazil came and stayed 6 nights, he left at noon and I`m still shaken up about what happened.

 

Please excuse this super lengthy post, perhaps it can serve as entertainment for other inhouse hosts hiding away from creepy guests hiding in their rooms browsing other hosts experiences. So. First thing he said to me upon arrival was that I was a courageous person to open up my house to strangers. In hinsight i see that was probably the first red flag. It was his first time with AIR-bnb he told me. First thing he did was to make himself feel very at home in our kitchen, something that put me a little aback, not because he wasn`t welcome to do so, just because he did so without asking. We say in our listing that guests are free to use the kitchen, but ask them to ask us first. After that, he acted as the kitchen was basically his, and he was occupying it very often, and definetly allways coming into the kitchen whenever i would be there preparing food or cleaning dishes or whatever in the days that followed.

 

He was an extremely chatty guest, who really just vomited out on topic after topic with little regards as to which it is of any interest to the listeners. Both me and boyfriend are naturally less talkative than him, but we tried making an effort being polite and interested in what he had to say. Soon it was obvious he would use each single opportunity he had being in the same room as us (which means all the rooms except our respective private bedrooms, as it is an open solution house). He talked to us ALL THE TIME. Each night i escaped to my room with my laptop, googling different vesions along the lines of "how to deal with guest who is too talkative/annoying/wont ever leave us alone etc... on air-bnb". 

 

On several occasions he crossed my personal boundaries without me knowing how to put him in his place, me i guess giving him the benefit of the doubt as he was also a nice person. I was trying to be a good host, reading those threads in this forum which all kind of said "just bite your teeth and get it over with, guest will be gone soon and you`ll have your review". Also his cultural background differs from mine and that`s the reason for the frequent small clashes - me i`m Norwegian and less likely to touch a stranger, especially one of the opposite sex if im not hitting on this person. ANYWAY - this week went a little something like this:

 

The first morning, he woke me up at 5am, talking loudly on the phone in portugese with his bedroom door open. His bedroom is opposite of ours, with approximately 2,5 m in between and it is to me, that you keep that door close if you wanna talk loudly on the phone when the rest of the house is sleeping. Following that, i asked him to please close his door so we could all have some privacy in our respective rooms. Next morning he leaned over and smelled my hair and exclaimen a soft "mmm" as i was bending over the computer to help him search for something on google maps, and some of my hair fell down and he apparently felt welcome to lean over and smell it. He had made an in my opinion innapropriate remark on my "beautiful red hair" and that he was kind of getting jelly whenever he saw a red haired woman. He said this in front of both me and my boyfriend, we kind of just shrugged it off as him being weird and not knowing how to act and what to say. 

 

Next morning he was putting himself in my way as i was doing the dishes, "accidentially" stepping with his naked feet on my naked feet. As i was stretching my arms out he could spot that i have a tattoo on the inside of my underarm, going up into my armpit. I was wearing a tight T-shirt, the sleave covering the armpit, and before i realized what he was doing, he touched my upper underarm and pulled the t-shirt back so he could see the tattoo in my armpit. Again totally baffled i just removed myself from the situation, hoping my body language would be a clear enough indication i didnt like to be touched. Next morning, i`m sitting with my laptop as far away from the kitchen as possible, apparantly we are friendly enough now that it is natural for him to walk all the way across the kitchen and livingroom towards where im sitting, trying to have some time-out from him, he walks over to me and kisses me on each cheek to say goodbye for the day - this was not a french kiss in the air but firmly putting his lips on both my cheeks.  (sure thing he will be back in 30 mins.) Next morning, i also remove myself from the kitchen to try to give him the hint that i want some space, again sitting down with my laptop to work. He comes over and asks me, completely uninvited, if i do excersizes. He then proceeds to go down on all four, table top position crotch facing upwards and towards me, holding it like that, just showing it to me. I`m completely baffled and dont even respond. He turns around and does the corresponding opposite stretch. I just dont say anything, until he gets up and leaves me alone. Let me be clear: I did not like this guy. I worked hard on being polite and friendly and accepting while in reality he annoyed me all the time he was in this house. 

 

Today as he was finally leaving, check-out time 12:00, he comes downstairs after having peed and showered with his bedroom door open (i couldnt see him, but definetly hear him) to the common room at 11:20 with his stuff packed and tells me that he wants to give me a little tip regarding the house before he leaves. He tells me our bathroom door, which is next to the kitchen -  is semi see-through, and that he has "seen me naked both front and back" every morning i have been in the shower. I was not aware of this, believe it or not, because the door is only ever closed when someone is in there, and it doesnt look see through from the inside. It is me and my boyfriends shower, and whenever bf is in there i`m busy doing something else, not looking at the door realizing it is kinda see-through. So i didnt know this, and my guest let me know 40 mins before check out time after having been in my house for a week. Now we understand how he magically appeared downstairs every morning i was there, making good use of the time my boyfriend was still asleep upstairs. He proceeds to give me some frightening, theatrical show with extremely sexually laden heavy breathing, grabbing his chest dramatically, making a point of how difficult it has been for him to restrain himself while being here in this house watching me naked all the time. I put my hand up to stop the show, make him know i DID NOT know this and it was NOT my intention to show myself to him, trying to end this awquard situation asap. but he kept on for 5 mins while i was getting increasingly uncomfortable. He then went into the shower, closed the door to make me see how he has seen me in the shower. This was so extremely creepy for me to realize that this guy that i didnt like the vibe from from the minute he came into my house, has exploited me not knowing this and basically come down each mornign to watch me in the shower, then doing some kind of creepy advances towards me afterwards. Then he announced that he wanted to cook abit before he left!! 30 mins until checkout. I wanted to ask him to get the **bleep** out of my house, but instead kind of freaked out inside my head, hands and face already feeling numb from shock, and left the house for 10 mins. Then decided to come back to make sure he actually left. When i came back, he was sat in the kitchen eating, i reached out my hand and thanked him for staying with us, asking him to leave the key in the box as he left. He asked me if he could GIVE ME A HUG. I said no thanks, i feel pretty uncomfortable about what i just learned, i hope you understand, and i would appreaciate it if you leave now. Still freaking out, i went to my room to call a friend, him looking dissapointed after me and saying he is used to hug his friends in Brazil. 11:50, im afraid he wont leave the key, so i go down after him, carry his second suitcase that he has left upstairs in the livingroom. He tells me he is considering leaving it here as he is going to walk to the hotel he will be staying at, and come back for the second suitcase later. (!?!) Im asking to get the key from him, signalling i want him to go and lock the door after him. I`m still on the phone, he signals he wants to wait until im finished. I insist that he leaves, still super polite, just firm. He leaves, i get the key, i feel completely violated in my own home. 

 

Next, a whatsapp conversation continues. I`m gonna copy paste: 

 

Him: "Thank you a lot for you very kind hospitality. I told some facts that I realized with the best of intentions. I hoped that by clearly speaking the truth, it could help you, your boyfriend and the couple avoid future problems and I would be a good friend. But I was actually thrown out, almost expelled, for wanting to help. Please note that the situations I have told you may well have occurred to other guests in the past, but they never said anything to you because none of them really cared about you. Some of these facts I haven't told you before, because I was really confuse about what was happening and, sorry once for saying that, but in doubt about your own intentions. Surely, if I had reported nothing, I would be much better seen than I am now, I would have received a beautiful smile from you instead of being thrown out. From this I learn some things and let me know if I am wrong: 1- Most people are not prepared to be helped; 2- Most people hate the truth and ALWAYS prefer appearance; 3- For such people, a friend is one who maintains his appearance and not one who shows him a mistake. Greetings, X"

 

HE WAS IN DOUBT ABOUT MY INTENSIONS.

 

Me: "Dear X, I will write you a response later, I am busy working right now. No hard feelings. I wasn`t aware of what you told me, and I was surprised and very uncomfortable with the situation and didn`t quite know what to do. I am surprised that you are not able to see that from my situation, that I just realize a man has seen me almost naked in my own house without me being aware of it, multiple times, only to tell me upon departure and also asking about a hug afterwords. I didn`t mean to throw you out, that was your intepretation of the situation, I politely thanked you for your stay and closed the door behind you as you left."

 

Him: "As I told you, I was confused by such events. First, it was not I who provoked these situations. Second, you put yourself in my place: 1-How is it possible in your own house and you no longer know that the door is transparent? 2-Two people inside the brightly lit room with little or no clothes on and the curtain CLEARLY OPEN showing your body? What do you want me to think? Put yourself in my place. I thought you were doing it on purpose and maybe you had another profession, and I was just resisting the temptation. Only after I saw that your work was real did I think of telling you. But it is not an easy subject to talk about. About the hug: Yes, I hug my friends. It is a sign of friendship to me. I gave Lova a hug and it would be to say the same to you, that there are no hard feelings from me, that I understood that you were not doing such things on purpose, that everything was ok."

 

HE THOUGHT I WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE AND MAYBE HAD ANOTHER PROFESSION, AND HE WAS JUST RESISTING THE TEMPTATION.

 

Now i see he has left me a review, cant read it until i have left him one. I dont know what to do. Any advice? 

1 Best Answer

@Karianne2  In every kind of hospitality, you eventually encounter this loathsome subspecies of customer that preys upon your desire to please and avoid confrontation, and uses it to intimidate you. In my opinion @Luana130  is absolutely wrong here - this is a man who took your hospitable nature as a vulnerability and fed off of your discomfort every time he tested your boundaries. Open-mindedness and cultural sensitivity do not mean that you have to put up with people touching your body without your consent and making inappropriate sexual advances. 

 

It's all too easy to say that you should just put your foot down and enforce your boundaries. But the whatsapp message you shared is a perfect example of how these people turn that against you and act like they're the victims. And unfortunately, the review process gives them an unfair advantage - so many hosts are hesitant to stand up to guests who break their rules, act inappropriately, or damage property because they're afraid of bad reviews. Guests like these know that, and exploit it.

 

Your review of the guest should state in no uncertain terms that you were uncomfortable hosting him due to persistent, inappropriate physical and verbal advances. Be prepared to double down on this in your public response to his review of you. In the future, if a guest's behavior leaves you feeling uncomfortable or unsafe in your own home, it's better to terminate the booking and refund the unused nights than to "grin and bear it." You are fundamentally the boss of your home - Airbnb is a listing service, not a hostage situation.

 

 

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18 Replies 18
Alexandra316
Level 10
Lincoln, Canada

@Karianne2This behavior seems pretty creepy. It also seems that he tried to gaslight you when you said you were uncomfortable with what he did.The unwanted touching, sniffing your hair, watching you shower, etc. is just not respectful behavior.  And saying that he thought you might be a sex worker? WHAT??  I would consider reporting him to Airbnb. The whole scenario just seems extremely weird and uncomfortable. 

 

I wouldn't go too much into specifics in your review, because I would be worried that Airbnb would remove it. I would keep it short and simple, and say,

"I found hosting X to be an uncomfortable experience due to his lack of personal boundaries. I would not host him again." I would also give him one star across the board. 

Thank you Alexandra! Yes he was very manipulative. Of course its all my fault in his view. As i said, I was struggling to be understanding and accepting and trying with each awquard situation that arose to blame it on the cultural differences. I wouldnt want for any other female host to have this weirdo in their house. 

@Karianne2Totally agreed: I wouldn't want this guy staying with me. As @Anonymous said, there is a specific type of person who preys on your inability to react because you're the host and they're the guest. Just not right. 

Luana130
Level 10
State of Bahia, Brazil

Hi, 

 

Sorry, but I see more problems with your behaviour than with his... I'm Brazilian, I was never as open and friendly as my fellow countrymen, and having lived in England for many years increased that, I do like my personal space (that concept does not exist here in brazil). But I have to say that I didn't see anything wrong with his behaviour, what I can see is that there was a culture shock there that neither of you seamed to completely grasp, and also a lack of communication on your part. I don't know him but I can tell you that in general Brazilians will act like that, everyone here is pretty laid back, and since it is natural for them to act that way they will do it anywhere. But here is the thing, Brazilians also like to be very polite (our own way), and if you had sat with him and told him that you were unconfortable and the rules he sgould follow, he would have most likely done it. Brazilians like to please people.

 

If you are opening your home to people around the world you are gonna get people from all over the world, and you will be unconfortable with a lot of things they do, as I'm sure they will be unconfortable with a lot of things you do... You need to be more open to receive guests. And you will have to make most of the concessions, because you are the host.

 

As for the shower, I can see you really didn't know, but I understand why he thought you knew and was hitting on him, any guy would. Hopefully your previous guests did not notice this, but if they did and were quiet about it they were worst than him, at least he told you about it.

 

You need to be more open minded to be a host. 

openminded as in what?

 

1. She clearly states her expectations in the listing.

2. Non-verbal language is universal, and if she gets him cold look, I do not think it is hard for the guy to figure out that his advances are not welcome. He chose to pretend he did not understand and put the blame on her for the shower door. Oh well. I might be naive, but I believe that a decent man would not LOOK.

Karianne2
Level 2
Antananarivo, Madagascar

Thank you @Natalie198! Totally aggree on you with non-verbal communication being univesal. Of the few primary emotions that are shared by members of all human societies, i showed him both anger and disgust, and he should be able to get that and act accordingly without me having to sit him down and explain to him that: Please, I appreciate it if my guests do not touch my armpit, smell my hair and kiss me with wet lips on my cheeks. 

I agree. It is incumbent upon the traveler to understand and follow the expectations of the society he travels to. 

Karianne2
Level 2
Antananarivo, Madagascar

This guy was completely disrespectful, totally lacking social intelligence and being very intrusive @Luana130 , I´m sorry i mentioned his nationality as I see it made you feel personally offended. 

Natalie198
Level 3
Orlando, FL

Advice is the only one: shrug it off and forget it. The guy is a creep, and he is gone. I would not even communicate in whataspp after check-out.  Don't worry about the review. Cover your shower door.

Karianne2
Level 2
Antananarivo, Madagascar

Thank you. It helped vomitinig it all out and get some support from you guys. Bathroom door is fixed and I will wait to leave the guy a review until i know he has left the country just in case i bump into him again on the streets. 

@Karianne2  In every kind of hospitality, you eventually encounter this loathsome subspecies of customer that preys upon your desire to please and avoid confrontation, and uses it to intimidate you. In my opinion @Luana130  is absolutely wrong here - this is a man who took your hospitable nature as a vulnerability and fed off of your discomfort every time he tested your boundaries. Open-mindedness and cultural sensitivity do not mean that you have to put up with people touching your body without your consent and making inappropriate sexual advances. 

 

It's all too easy to say that you should just put your foot down and enforce your boundaries. But the whatsapp message you shared is a perfect example of how these people turn that against you and act like they're the victims. And unfortunately, the review process gives them an unfair advantage - so many hosts are hesitant to stand up to guests who break their rules, act inappropriately, or damage property because they're afraid of bad reviews. Guests like these know that, and exploit it.

 

Your review of the guest should state in no uncertain terms that you were uncomfortable hosting him due to persistent, inappropriate physical and verbal advances. Be prepared to double down on this in your public response to his review of you. In the future, if a guest's behavior leaves you feeling uncomfortable or unsafe in your own home, it's better to terminate the booking and refund the unused nights than to "grin and bear it." You are fundamentally the boss of your home - Airbnb is a listing service, not a hostage situation.

 

 

All that said...it would still be a good idea to fix your bathroom door to make sure you have privacy.

Karianne2
Level 2
Antananarivo, Madagascar

Thanks so much for your understanding response Andrew! Bathroom door is fixed. Let me know if you have any ideas on how to put it in the listing that we prefer guests who are similar to us in terms of respecting personal boundaries whilst in our home...

@Karianne2  The wording there doesn't seem too likely to make a difference, since even some of the most poorly behaved people still believe that they've done nothing wrong. 

 

However, in your listing text and the "Interaction with guests" subsection, you can indicate which type of stay and personality are the best fit for your homestay. (As long as they don't say anything that appears to have discriminatory preferences). For example:

 

"Our home is ideally suited to active and independent travelers who don't require heavy use of the kitchen."

 

or

 

"We are happy to provide local tips and information to our guests, but due to our busy schedules our home is best suited to guests who are happy to keep to themselves."