A host started to make discriminatory comments and demands based on my race and gender

[Ikuyasu0]

My host is a bit of issue first of all. She is a wife of married couple who broke up a month after my long-term stay of several months started. She took over the Airbnb account management after the husband left the house. 

After a month later, she started making up a new set of house rules that also change and get added very often, and demands us to follow. Now she demands me to make accommodation for a new "female" guest who is coming this week, and I as a "male" have to accommodate for the new guest and her. She also threatens to report to Airbnb and charge a fee if I "violate" the new rules. She also claims that I have to adopt a certain habit written in this new rules because that's something I, as an Asian male, often dismiss.

1) What does Airbnb consider as a possible discriminatory behavior that should trigger to sent her a "warning"? 

2) Should I ask Airbnb to warn her of her behavior or should I tell her that it can be considered a possible gender discriminatory treatment that I may need to report?  I hesitate to do this because I still  have several month of stays booked, and want to avoid the confrontation.

3) Should I contact her (ex-?) husband to tell her that she has to stick to the house rules I agreed on when the room was booked?  He was the contact person and managed the Airbnb account until she took it over.

I will be happy to complete the rest of months reserved if she stops doing this because I don't think she behaves like this with ill-intension. But she has to realize that it really makes me as a guest feel uncomfortable. I have a set of her text messages that support my claim and can be submitted upon request by Airbnb help center. 

Thank you for your advice 😀

[Emiel1]

@Ikuyasu0 

Who was on the listing as being the host, when you booked the reservation ?

Was it only the husband or was there also a co-host (his wife) ?

A reservation is booked on a listing, belonging to a host account and houserules, cancellation policy etc. are applied as set at time of booking.

"She took over the Airbnb account management" : How ?

[Ikuyasu0]

It was a husband's name. The profile picture, a contact person, and actually contacted person was the husband before and after the stay had began. We started using the text message for the communication because it's quick. I didn't even have the wife's phone number a few weeks after the husband left the house. I don't think it was co-hosted.

Because the husband "left the house" and the wife stayed, the Airbnb business should be managed by the wife. They seem to have a profit sharing arrangement even if they are split/divorce, but the account is managed by the wife now. I don't know if they did it officially through Airbnb or the husband just gave her account access and the wife changed the name, email etc, but the host name has changed to the wife's name now. 

[M199]

@Ikuyasu0 

@Liv 

You need to contact a really person at Airbnb immediately.  Your booking is your contract. Do not get involved in the domestic situation of the the hosts.

@Liv - can you look into this?  Not sure if you're the right person to bring in to this conversation.

[Ikuyasu0]

Liv seems to be on vacation until 11th of April. I can see what she will say after she comes back in two weeks. I hope her hysteric behavior won't happen until then. 

[Sarah977]

@Ikuyasu0  It may or may not be a case of discrimination based on your race or gender, but rather a host who is emotionally distressed, and wants to be overly controlling of guest behavior, erasing her husband's involvement by asserting her own rules.

A "rule" is different from a request, for instance if a host simply asks you to please remove your shoes when entering the house, or to remember to put the toilet seat down after you use the bathroom, because there are also female guests. Simple requests like that are things guests should not be opposed to respecting, even though they aren't mentioned in the house rules.

I'm curious as to what rules she has come up with that seem discriminatory?

Unless she has made some derogatory comment of a racial or gender nature, I would concentrate on the fact that hosts aren't allowed to change the rules, or anything else after a guest's booking has been confirmed.

You could point this out to her, unless you feel she is completely unapproachable- she may not even be aware that this goes against Airbnb policy.

If she is aggressive about it, or she did make racist or gender dsicriminatory comments, you should definitely contact Airbnb- you have message documentation, which is good. Of course, that will likely lead to bad interaction with the host if Airbnb contacts her saying she is out of line.

Do not use text messaging with the host- keep messaging on the Airbnb messaging system. 

If I were in your place, I might be looking for another place if the host's behavior and attitude will be an ongoing issue for you.

[Ikuyasu0]

>>rather a host who is emotionally distressed, and wants to be overly controlling of guest behavior, erasing her husband's involvement by asserting her own rules.

That's really true. We have been comforting her a month as "human being", listening to her complaints and so on. We guests behave very reasonable and nice people. She has been behaving "more erratically and hysterically" than I can state here in a house, but I didn't take it up as a serious business problem because it hasn't interfered my daily business.

But now it's getting at me, and my days get ruined and her behavior directly threatens my days and sleeping when I have things to do.

I have a screen shot of the house rules when I booked. She added the new "house manual" very recently. I have text messages that point out that I should follow and adopt certain habits because I, Asian and male, often dismiss.I totally understand to respect some common rules, and I do. I even put up the papers for us to remind ourselves. I did it, and not she did. And she doesn't like the rules on the wall. She seems to expect that I need to accommodate her living. I can practically post/upload the copy and submit it to Airbnb, but I may stick to this suggestion of yours:

 >>I would concentrate on the fact that hosts aren't allowed to change the rules, or anything else after a guest's booking has been confirmed.

 Because if I sound like accusing her, it would create more confrontation. But if she is told to simply abide by the Airbnb policy, then it is neutral, a simple business transaction. 

But I found this link after I posted my question: https://www.airbnb.com/help/article/1433/how-do-i-report-discrimination-to-airbnb

[Sarah977]

@Ikuyasu0  "I have text messages that point out that I should follow and adopt certain habits because I, Asian and male, often dismiss"

That is completely out of line and unacceptable (as is using her guests as emotional crutches, making her personal problems any of a guest's business).

Airbnb will delist her for discriminatory comments like that. Which is unfortunate for her husband if they are sharing the profits and he's actually a nice, sane, non-racist guy.  But that's their problem to work out, not the guest's affair.

[Ikuyasu0]

They are uncomfortable statements in the text message, also verbally not recorded. But it is not clear "discriminatory". That's why I put "possible discriminatory" in the original post. It is kind of strange or how dare to tell a guest who pays for the accommodation to make a habit of something for her (host) own accommodation because I have particular habits because I grew up in a foreign country and male. 

She has been spoiled to behave "erratically" (I am refraining myself from stating what kind of erratic behaviors of her are)  because of her situation, and we (guests) kind of did that,  as a good intension.  

I have a long-term stay for several more months because I don't want to move around. She is fine if she doesn't go hysteric every once in a while.  I really hope she stops doing this, but I will definitely tell an Airbnb personal whom I was advised to contact in this community center next time this happens. 

Yes, her problem is the combination of two problems : 1) because she took over the account recently, she is not very familiar with Airbnb rules in detail, 2) because she is emotionally unstable, she behaves selfishly at moments without anybody telling her that's a problem. 

Thank you for the words 😌

[Sarah977]

@Ikuyasu0  Well, it goes both ways- hosts sometimes have emotionally unstable guests to put up with, too. 

Hard to know ahead of time what the cookies will taste like by looking at the outside of the package.

Past reviews help to look for red flags, but that's not a help if the host who earned those reviews isn't the host you're dealing with.

She probably didn't even realize that her remarks about you being Asian and male would be offensive. As I'm sure you're aware, many people aren't even aware of their own racism.

Good luck- I hope it works out for you.

[Emilia42]

@Ikuyasu0 

It is hard to comment without knowing what exactly these "new" rules are. For instance, it sounds like you were previously having guests over when the ex-husband was there. But now that it is only the wife she tells you that your guest has to stay elsewhere? Correct me if I'm wrong. This isn't necessarily a rule. If you have only booked for one guest, the host does have a right to prevent unregistered guests that she may be uncomfortable with. 

[Sarah977]

@Emilia42  I read that as a new female guest arriving to stay in another room she had booked, and the OP being asked to change his behavior to accommodate that, but an interesting question.

[Ikuyasu0]

She tells me that I have to do certain things because it is "gentleman thing to do". I can see why she says like this because she sees me like a "roommate" or "her team Airbnb member" . That's my guess, and it kind of makes sense. So, she doesn't hesitate to tell me to sacrifice my something to accommodate other guests. It just really feels strange to receive the message. But at the same time, she threatens me to report to Airbnb if I violate a "new" set of house rules and to charge a fee although it inherently doesn't cost. 

I will be very happy if she just keeps this as a simply business partner. I don't even have to talk to her at all. I don't need any friendship. The problem is that other guests and I have been comforting her for a month by listening to her complaints about her husband and situation.  That's my analysis. 

[Sarah977]

@Ikuyasu0  You seem pretty psychologically astute- by making her guests a sounding board for her emotional problems, and you being empathetic, she has confused the professional relationship she should maintain with guests with the guests being her friends and roommates.

As a home share host myself, of course many hosts and guests do get along really well and become friends. I often chat with my guests over coffee or a bottle of wine, and sure, people can have something bad happen they need to talk about with someone.

I had a guest who came home really upset one day after spending time with her grandchildren, who were living with their mom, who was separated from the father, her son. She said the house her grandkids were living in was filthy, the kids were always sick, the mom didn't care, and she really couldn't do anything about it. So I listened, empathized, and tried to make her feel better. 

But that didn't lead to her constantly expecting me to be her therapist, because she was an emotionally stable person.

I think your idea of letting the host know when she returns that you regret getting drawn into her private life and that you would prefer to maintain a friendly, but professional guest/host relationship going forward may be the best approach.

[Ikuyasu0]

Her behavior of threatening me to report to Airbnb (for nothing) is really irrational because I have a "bag" of information about her behavior that can literally put her out of the Airbnb business which is her sole income source, the information/documents I can request officially from the city/county office. I was forced into her private life and learned what I didn't have to know. I just hope that I don't have to get to the point. That's one of the reasons I think she sees me like a roommate, and says things like slightly discriminatory like friends would do, and demands things at the cost of my accommodation because she doesn't think I can give her a bad review??? It makes no sense unless she doesn't know that I am her Airbnb guest.