How do you handle 'time vampires'?

[Huma0]

Hello everyone, I wanted to ask how home hosts handle guests who require an awful lot of your time and company to the point where it's hard to get on with your work, tasks or to have a moment to yourself. Let's call them the Time Vampires.

The Time Vampire loves to stay with a home host, not simply because they enjoy the interaction but because they desperately need the company and attention. When they book a room, they feel like they also booked the host and that you belong to them for the duration of their stay (and sometimes even beyond). They expect you to spend every waking hour with them and never leave your side.

Here's how to spot a Time Vampire:

- I am a chatty person, but the Time Vampire will not ever want to end a conversation or let you take a break from it. Once you start chatting to them, they will not let you get away, to the point that you can't eat, take a shower, get to bed etc. etc. 

- If you tell them you have something urgent to do, like make an important phone call, they will ignore you and carry on talking.

- They will interrupt whatever you are doing. If you are cleaning, they tell you to stop and hang out with them instead. If you are trying to work, they will hover around you, trying to make conversation or showing you silly YouTube videos.

- If you try to escape, they will follow you around the house. They might even wait for you outside the toilet so they don't lose a minute of your time.

- They will want you to accompany them when they go out and, even if you have a valid excuse not to, will keep insisting.

- They will tell you very personal things about themselves and ask you intimate questions or make very personal comments about you. They want to see what you are doing on your laptop, phone, or writing in your diary. 

- What's yours is theirs. They will expect to eat/drink whatever you are having. They will help themselves to your personal items. They especially love opening things. Anything that is still brand new in the packaging must be unwrapped, even if they aren't going to use it.

- They will invade your space. The only part of my four-storey house that isn't communal is my bedroom. That is the one private space I can retreat to. The Time Vampire will want to come in to have a look, or they will try to get you out of bed in the morning so you can share coffee or breakfast. They have clearly been waiting for you and are starting to lose patience. Sadly, they are not just nocturnal.

How do you handle this type of guest, i.e. maintain your sanity, protect your personal space, not let your time be needlessly eaten away and still keep this especially friendly guest happy?

[Anonymous]

@Huma0 I never let my minimum stay exceed the amount of time I was willing to tolerate a higher-maintenance guest, so when I've had a Time Vampire in my midst, it's usually been a friend or acquaintance staying for free rather than a customer.

But I've definitely encountered Airbnb guests that could have turned out this way if work had kept me at home all day. It was never the ones who were just taking a trip to Berlin - usually, it was travelers from overseas who came to "do Europe" and check a bunch of cities of their bucket lists. They tend to be a little burned out from the hassle and loneliness of travel, and the relatively unimpressive monuments of Berlin don't motivate them enough to navigate the busy sprawl and the dreadful local language to get out and go sightseeing.

Getting a dog took a lot of the pressure off; mine seems to have inexhaustible patience for all the attention. But I haven't hosted during the pandemic, with other social outlets and venues closed down.  That would be too much even for the dog. 

[Huma0]

@Anonymous 

Out of interest, what was your maximum stay? Most of my Time Vampire guests have been what I would classify as short term, but that could mean anything from a few days to a couple of weeks, so that is more than long enough!

Addie looks adorable by the way and clearly a great distraction. My cats can be very friendly and cuddly when they are in the mood but, you know, they are cats, so can't be relied on to distract guests when it's most needed. The other thing I noticed is the Time Vampire guest is so focused on me that, even if a cat is begging for their attention, they just ignore it. Doesn't matter if they have repeatedly told me they love cats. They let the cat give them attention but give nothing back to the kitty. Or, they harass the poor thing. I had to tell one TV off for this, i.e. please don't handle the cat that way. They really don't like it. If the guest cannot respond to human boundaries, they are often unlikely to appreciate cat boundaries!

I get your point also about the people doing a bucket list. I have had guests who barely left the house and seemed to have little interest in seeing London because they had been doing a world wind tour of Europe and were burnt out. They found my place comfortable and didn't want to move. Some just chilled out at home and didn't bother me too much, while others were looking for distraction and kept bugging me.

Don't get me wrong, I like interacting with guests and one of the things I didn't like about short term hosting was some people using my place like it was a hotel and resentful of the fact that I was even there, minding my own business. There just has to be a balance. Extremes are always disconcerting.

[Anonymous]

@Huma0 @@@@@@@ my maximum in the calendar settings was 3 weeks, minimum 3 days. But I didn't set a competitive weekly discount, so requests for over 7 days were quite rare. Also, in most months there were various dates I'd have to block off for work or personal reasons, so only the periods in between were even bookable. 

I never had a truly bad experience with a longer stay, but even the most easygoing guests require a certain level of being "on" and available at home that is just too much when I'm really busy elsewhere. Sometimes the guests have seemed to be self-sufficient and fine during the stay, but in the post-mortem conveyed some disappointment that I was less socially available than they expected. Admittedly, my acting skills are not exactly Denzel caliber, so guests who I don't click with probably sense that I'm trying to politely avoid them. 

[Huma0]

@Anonymous I don't think my acting skills are all that either, but we're talking about people who, as @Laura2592 describes, "ignore social cues". Your guests who were disappointed that you didn't hang out with them or sensed that you were avoiding them aren't Time Vampires.

The longest I've had to put up with a TV is 2.5 weeks. That was long enough as she was the most extreme example I've encountered while hosting. The others have been shorter stays. So far...

[Debra300]

@Huma0,

Although I live in the same dwelling, I don't share common areas and facilities with my guests, and don't have a lot of Chatty Cathys/Carls.  Most of my Time Vampires are usually older guests, new travelers or cheapskates that need more assistance with just about everything, and never offer to pay for anything.  Thus, their incessant neediness is also financially costly. 

1. "I can't seem to reach XX.  Would you please give them a call?"  - I didn't want to spend the 5 euro/pounds/dollars to get a temporary local phone number, or don't want to use the credit on my  phone to call.  So, please use yours, and also book the ride/appointment for me, because I am about to eat/shower/lay down.
2. "Let me know when you're going shopping so you can drop me off at XX.  How long will you be out?  Maybe I catch a ride back with you."  "When you go shopping would you pick up these things for me?"  "I wanted to go into town.  What is the best way for me to get there?  How much do you think a taxi would cost?  Are you going there?"  - I don't want to pay to rent a vehicle, pay taxi fare, ride the bus or walk.  I actually don't feel like going, and want you to be my concierge/errand runner.  Just drop me by the marina, and I'll catch up with you later this evening.
3. "Where can I get a pre-travel COVID test?  How much does it cost?  How long will it take to get results?  Can you call them for me?  I want to be there first thing in the morning, can you take me?"  - I don't want to go online and read all of the information for myself, and I definitely don't want to use my time and phone credit calling around to see if they have tests available.  However, I know it's an inconvenience for you, and really don't care, because it's making things easier for me.
4. "I need to print my test results and travel authorization form.  Can you print them for me?" - I don't care if ink and paper are significantly more expensive and not always readily available on the island, or if there are other guests who've asked for the same thing, and now your supplies are low.  I also don't want to go and pay an office supply shop, or pay for transportation and printing.
5. "I've run out of XX, do you have some that I can borrow?" - I know/didn't realize that I should have packed some dry goods so I wouldn't have to purchase them on island, because it's expensive compared to back home and the size is larger than I'll use while on holidays.  So, let me have yours and you can just re-buy it.
6. "I only have XX currency or large local bank notes, do you have change?" - I didn't stop at the ATM or currency exchange window the airport, or did stop but took only large denominations.  I am the only person that does that so all of the local service providers/shops should have the ability to give me change.

Of course, the TVs get stink-face or huffy when I quote them a price for their requests, and it usually takes more than one request to get paid.  "Oh, I thought since you were going in that direction or shopping anyway..."  "That's alright, I guess I can go there/do it myself."  "I don't want to pay with a credit card.  I forgot that I owed you, and don't have enough cash right now.  I will have to go to the bank tomorrow for some money to pay you.  Tell me again, how much was it?"

[Huma0]

@Debra300 

Oh good lord. I think you just have the patience of a saint to deal with these requests. There is a huge difference between being a friendly, hands-on host who is available with advice and tips and a concierge service. I encourage guests to ask me if they need local or practical advice, but when they expect you to be their travel agent/concierge/porter/receptionist/cook/maid, that is another matter. If they want that level of service, they need to pay for it.

I am lucky in that my location means transportation couldn't be easier and we have a lot of conveniences on the doorstep, so I rarely get those types of requests from guests. However, you do still get the occasional  guest who still cannot seem to function by themselves and expect everything to be handled for them:

1. I agree to a late check in for a young man. The tube station is a five minute walk down one road (literally no turns to make - just walk down the road) but he says he can't do it by himself. I send him detailed directions and a personalised map. Nope. He wants me to come there and wait for him (can't give me a timeframe) so I can escort him back to my house late at night. When I tell him that's not possible, he gets a female friend to travel from the other side of London to accompany him on the five minute walk. He also gets her to buy him food and then sends her home.

2. Another guest cannot use Google Maps or any kind of GPS on her phone. She can't look up directions in any way. It's not that it doesn't work, she just won't do it. So, she expects me to draw out detailed instructions for everywhere she needs to go. This is not an elderly lady who is not tech savvy. This is a 32-year-old from New York.

3. A guest who comes for a one week stay with three enormous suitcases that she can't manage on her own, but refuses to spend one penny on an Uber. She tells me that "other people will help her" take her cases to and from the airport because "it's good Karma." Right love, good luck with those 'other people' you are hoping to randomly meet because I'm not doing it!

[Marie6762]

Oh, HELL no!

I am fortunate that my partner is quite chatty, and “trained” to make polite excuses for me:

”She’s editing a screenplay/manuscript (sometimes true 😉) and can’t be disturbed”.  

Also, we’re both elders and the majority of our guests are young professionals or busy tourists. Other than passing for passing through on the way to the shared shower, our flat is too small to comfortably share common space, and I don't list kitchen privileges.   Guests all seem to like having coffee/ tea and a fridge in their room, and all dining, transit and services they could need within  a 10 minute walk.  

While I enjoy hosting guests, and often socialize or take them on adventures, guests underfoot or demanding time & attention?  Not gonna happen!

[Huma0]

@Marie6762 

I think that not sharing a kitchen must make a big difference. That's where I usually get cornered by needy guests! 

The kitchen is a big draw for my listings and, also, I really don't want them eating in the bedrooms. Luckily, most of my guests have been as you describe, young professionals or busy tourists. Some are more sociable than others, but they rarely get under my feet. It's just the occasional guest who is clingy/needy.

A layout where the host and guest spaces are more self contained must certainly help, but I think the type of guest @Debra300 describes, who wants you to do everything for them, will hunt you down, regardless of the layout of the listing. If they don't see you, they'd probably message their requests. 

[Debra300]

@Huma0,

You are correct, due to our layout we don't see the guests regularly after they've checked in.  However, even the supppsedly technology-challemged TVs always seem to figure out how to message me for requests.

[Huma0]

@Debra300 

Yes, I had guests who were sent detailed directions a couple of days in advance. They didn't respond, so I messaged them again asking if they had received the instructions. They replied that they had.

I also ask all guests to let me know if they are running late for check in. These guests did not show up on time and I waited a long time for them. They did not respond to messages. Eventually, after several hours, I popped to the shop (one minute walk away and I was gone for maximum five minutes). I messaged them to let them know and even left a note on the door, saying I would be back within five minutes.

I came back to find them outside my house, but on the pavement, stopping random strangers asking them for directions. They turned out to be the most demanding guests 

When they left their scathing review, they mentioned that I had sent instructions, but only when they had already arrived, and intimated that I did this on purpose. Yet, they had acknowledged one day before arrival that they had received the instructions.

Some people are really not self aware. They cannot acknowledge their failures and therefore need someone else to blame.

[Debra300]

@Huma0,

I am currently hosting an senior Swedish gentleman who seems to have assumed that we are a hotel that provides concierge services and he can run up a tab to be settled at his convenience.  He has called me greedy, because I've asked him to pay for services that he's requested.  He's booked through another platform, and I suspect that I will get a bad review from him, but his sense of entitlement had to be addressed.

I have an English woman coming next month, and via communication she's already exhibited signs of being a TV, but I will definitely nip that in the bud after her arrival, because I am returning to work after the new year, and will not have time for such "poppy sho" (local slang that means nonsensical behavior).

[Kelly149]

tips garnered from living with too many people (my own fault... it's my family)

- they walk into a common room, "oh, good, you're here! Here's the spray and dust rag, you can do the shelves while I vacuum"

- they come in while you're on phone, they start talking... stern face and teacher "SHUSH" hold up STOP hand signal, point to phone, turn around and keep talking.

- they ask for help with some basic everyday task, "I'm not sure, but I know you'll figure that out"

-they're outside bathroom door when you open it, you startle scream "AAAAAAHHH!! oh my!! that's terrifying! I scare  easily"

-headphones

the thing is you're trying to throw normal responses to abnormal behavior... won't work... have to throw a dog trainer/toddler trainer mindset at them. Never give in to what you don't want to have repeated

[Huma0]

@Kelly149 

Lol, good tips! Growing up in a small family, with parents who both worked long hours, taught me to be self-sufficient from a young age and also comfortable with my own company (my brother was trying to kill me most of the time, so I didn't always feel like hanging out with him), but perhaps it meant I did not learn the skillset that you describe.

So far, I've only had one guest who lurked outside of the bathroom waiting for me, but if it every happens again, I will certainly try the screaming technique 🙂

[Sarah977]

@Huma0 @Kelly149  The screaming technique worked really well once when my then 16 year old daughter, her boyfriend and I were madly packing one Saturday morning for a kayak trip.

I glimpsed the Jehovah's Witnesses coming up my walkway, and said to the boyfriend, "Nick, the JoHos are about to knock on the door, I don't have time for this right now, can you deal with them, please?"

He went to the door, dropped his pants around his ankles, so he was standing there in his boxers, opened the door and screamed. They turned around, scurried away and never came back.

[Huma0]

@Sarah977 

I love it.

When I was 19, I went backpacking by myself for the first time. In my naivety, I included Morocco in that itinerary. What a rude awakening that was (although I did really love the country at the same time).

While I was there, I met another, young solo female traveller. She explained to me that she dealt with unwanted attention by simply acting as mad as a hatter, jabbering and screaming, throwing her arms about like she was possessed. Apparently, it worked every time. People would run a mile.

Not sure what kind of reviews I would get though if I behaved like that to my guests 🙂