Judgmental guest

[Miki19]

I rent a private room in my full-time home, it is the upstairs of my house, so it accommodates 4 people and they have full privacy upstairs. The only shared space is the bathroom.

To preface this, I have in my listing in several different areas, as well as in the house rules, that this is my full-time home and I host my own guests occasionally on the main level of the house. (I also have a guest bedroom for my own private guests, and I clarify this in the listing.)

I had Airbnb guests stay last weekend. It was a sister (who booked) and brother (20 somethings), along with their parents (late 50s). They were very nice in person, and I sat and chatted with them for awhile. They talked about the church they were going to attend, and their prayer group, etc. They met my boyfriend, who stayed over one of the nights of their stay. 

In their private review to me, the daughter said: "...I'm also sure you're cognizant of this, but I would just be aware of the demographic of your guests before letting [your boyfriend] stay over. Despite being in my mid-twenties, I was just a little caught off guard that he was staying over while you had guests. I would maybe encourage you to be more up front with your guests if he's going to continue to stay there. That could be a deciding factor for some guests..."

Here are the several ways I describe in my listing that I host my own guests, and they MAY be around when I have Airbnb guests:

"Bathroom is shared with me and possibly other guests, as I love to host friends." (this is said twice, in two different sections of my listing)

"This is my full-time home. I love to host my own friends and family! I have a guest bedroom on the main level, and I will occasionally have friends and family stay over."

I really have not yet (in my year of hosting) felt that I need to clarify specifically that I, a woman in her 30s, may occasionally have her boyfriend stay over. I feel that saying that I host friends and family, who may also be in the house and may stay over, is more than sufficient. I feel that their feedback was more a comment about a man staying in my bed when he and I are not married, and less that I had a guest over in general. To answer the inevitable question: I am absolutely CERTAIN that they did not (and could not have) heard any sort of sex noise coming from my private room. I take hosting seriously, and I would never create that sort of situation for my guests. Likewise, he and I were not in the main part of the house (where my guests would possibly hang out), and we stayed out of their way.

My questions to the community: Have you ever felt judged by your guests if you happen to have a different "lifestyle" than them? If you were in my position, would you add further verbiage to your listing that explains that a romantic partner may stay over?

[Jann3]

What she meant is this: "WE ASSUME you are having sex outside of marriage and we don't like it!"

That is a horribly judgemental guest - and you should've seen it coming when they talked about their "prayer group." (prostletizing)

I am SURE to hit some kind of this as well in the future but I am gonna cut it off at the pass by placing this in my listing at the top: "My husband and I are offering this wonderful studio." ... and later on down: "We've loved the Bay Area and it's inclusiveness for 20 years. We hope you enjoy your stay with us."

If they don't like our lifestyle and/or life, don't stay with us. We don't have a LGBTQ flag hanging outside - but if I ever do (Pride Weekend), it is my home! They are warned that we are married and if they don't like it, they didn't do much research into my profile and/or the Bay Area...It's their fault. Not mine!

I am sorry you went through this.

[Ali40]

The attitude of your guest seems to fly in the face of Airbnb's "inclusion/non discrimination" policy. And who's to say that your boyfriend didn't sleep in the guest room? How dare that young lady assume otherwise. Tell her to get her mind out of the gutter! 

[Jann3]

You Go @Ali40!

I am just waiting for @Huma0 to wake up and see this posting (it's late in UK where she is...) cos she's gonna have words for that guest, I am sure! 😂

[Huma0]

@Jann3 you are right! i would have words for that guest 🙂

[Huma0]

@Miki19, I can only reiterate what @Jann3 and @Ali40 have said. Your guest has no right to judge or criticise you for your lifestyle choices, especially if it does not impact on her, i.e. there was no loud noise coming from your room that would have disturbed/embarrassed her, but you've already clarified that there was not.

I've never had this sort of problem yet. Actually, a huge percentage of my guests are unmarried couples! The only time I had a slight concern was when I had a young gay couple staying at the same time as an older gentleman (from a country which is possibly less tolerant to non-heterosexuals). I messaged the gentleman in advance and mentioned the other guests, but I was certainly not asking his permission to let them stay. In a way, I wanted to see his reaction in case there might be an issue. He responded saying that his brother and some of his best friends were gay and that he had no problem with it whatsoever. If he had reacted adversely to the idea, I would have reminded him of the Nondiscrimination Policy and asked him to cancel.

Now, I'm not sure what your guest wrote in her public review, but if her comments on this subject were restricted to her private feedback, there is no need to respond. If it is bugging you, and I can see why it would, you could message reminding her that by joining and using Airbnb, she has automatically agreed to act in accordance with Airbnb's Nondiscrimination Policy, which does not tolerate any bias or prejudice directed at members due to their "race, colour, ethnicity, national origin, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, or marital status". You may wish to underline 'marital status'. Therefore, by judging your and your boyfriend any differently to a married couple, she is violating this policy. (Is that a bit too strong? Other hosts, please put me in my place if you think so!)

I don't think there's any need to go into the reasons why you think it's okay for your boyfriend to sleep over. That, frankly, is none of her business and you are not required to explain yourself.

Also, I don't know if you were aware before your guest arrived that she and her family were particuarly religious. Being used to a secular and liberal society, personally I would have been wary of hosting such guests if I had known this before they booked. HOWEVER,  by not accepting them, wouldn't I also be going against the Nondiscrimination Policy by judging them on their religious beliefs? If we consider ourselves open and tolerant, we should be so towards all people, but sometimes it's complicated!

[Jann3]

Told ya' I couldn't wait for @Huma0 to weigh in... She answered perfectly! 😇

[Ann3]

Wow. What year is it again? At least her public review was super-positive.

I would consider following up with her via messaging and getting it off your chest.  I had a very unpleasant and judgmental guest last year.  I replied to her review, clarifying that the amenities she found lacking were actually there if she had bothered to look for them (or ask). She really slammed me in the private review, however, making some comments that were rather personal. What she said really stung.

I should have known what to expect, because on arrival, she had gone on a very negative rant about how our cottages were "too original" and "too rustic."  Her poor husband finally said to her, "But it looks exactly like the photos in the listing you showed me!" So we were off to a bad start, and it went downhill from there. She marked me down on stars, and her review was really inaccurate, e.g. after leaving the lights on in the bathroom all night, she then complained about the moths the lights attracted, noting that there were "bugs."  

The experience really rankled, and I couldn't seem to put it out of my mind in the days following, so I wrote a careful note (edited it a couple of times so it wasn't SO grumpy) and sent it via Airbnb messaging.  I did not get a reply, but felt like I was doing a service to any future Airbnb hosts in pointing out how offensive her comments were. It helped me move on. 

[Jann3]

"She really slammed me in the private review, however, making some comments that were rather personal. What she said really stung."

While I understand bad reviews...and bad attitudes form people @Ann3, I just hope that you got over it quickly. People like that aren't worth wasting your energy over. Yes, you want it to be made "right" and/or "educate" them on how wrong THEY were, it's just not worth it in the end. I was educated in the hotel business at the Ritz-Carlton over 25 years ago and we had really really bad/entitiled guests - EVEN AT THE RITZ! After that, I found you have to just take those types with a grain of salt!

Glad you "moved on." Good luck with your listing(s)!

[Ann3]

@Jann3, oh, I got over it. We've been pretty lucky, especially lately, and 99% of our guests have loved the place and been a pleasure to host. 

[Isabel203]

@Miki19, it is definitely not OK for people to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home and your listing does a good job of setting the tone and expections for guests. I hope you can find a way to move through this unpleasant experience with your hosting confidence in tact! I also feel for the guests, who clearly found this aspect of their stay disquieting.

I am noticing that some of the comments here are focusing on perceived negative biases of the guests, while at the same time making some significant (and potentially hurtful) assumptions about the guests, based on their percieved religious beliefs. I am worried that someone might walk away from this discussion with the lesson learned that people who are members of prayer groups make bad guests. I like to remind myself that "judgmental and insensitive jerk" is not synonymous with "religious"; neither is it antithetical to "progressive" or "athiest".

I think the real issue here is more mundane. Someone who was familiar with AIrBnB, its philosophy, and culture, made a third-party booking (against AirBnB rules) for members of their family who were NOT familiar with AirBnB, its philosophy, and culture.  The ensuing uncomfortableness of the experience (for everyone involved) arose from that, not from the religious beliefs of any of the parties involved.

Also, remember to flag reviews or correspondence which crosses the line from expressing a concern into derogatory, demeaning, or threatening statements. AirBnB will remove those comments, but they need to be reported first.

So, I hope the take away message is: Don't accept third-party bookings, rather than "don't accept [insert faith-based group here]".

[Jann3]

With regard to @Isabel203 saying: " I am worried that someone might walk away from this discussion with the lesson learned that people who are members of prayer groups make bad guests."

I *will* say this:  NO one said that! But the minute they sent her that private message, they became hurtful and harmful and bad guests. Also, they broke AirBnB's rules and thus are not welcome at my property (even if they wanted to stay.)

What I *am* assuming is this: A family member made the booking cos she knew (or heard) that AirBnB was EITHER cheaper and/or more "fun."  

But what we - as hosts - ALSO have to look at is: did they make the booking cos it was a chance to stay in a home that had more people to proselytize to? We, as hosts, have to analyze situations after they occur and see if there was anything we could've done to make it better...and become better hosts. These guests said nothing about the boyfriend during the stay (did they @Miki19?) so the only thing @Miki19 has to go by is the negative message afterwards. Now, I seriousy doubt they went into the AirBnB situation seeking an "audience to convert"; the minute they sat in judgement of the host, they went too far as guests. 

I am saying this as both a Gay man who seeks not to be discriminated against AND a Jew who seeks freedom of (and from) religion. So please don't think I am against prayer or prayer groups.

[Huma0]

Hi @Isabel203 your points are of course valid, but I don't think anyone was saying, 'Don't host members of prayer groups.'

I think I was the only person who said I would be wary of hosting religious guests, but I was just trying to be honest about it and admitting that feeling that way was NOT okay:

'HOWEVER,  by not accepting them, wouldn't I also be going against the Nondiscrimination Policy by judging them on their religious beliefs? If we consider ourselves open and tolerant, we should be so towards all people, but sometimes it's complicated!'

[Paul154]

While I understand your decision to grin and bear it, you were fully within your rights to say

"Airbnb can house you elsewhere - give them a call"

No money is worth their inappropriate behaviour.

No explanation is needed for your personal lifestyle. That you disclose in your advertisement is nice, but unnecessary.

There are so many choices for guests to choose from. Guests could have chosen  a "Christian living" Airbnb, but chose not to.

[Farah1]

@Miki19 I don't think there is an obligation for us to disclose whether we live with our husband/boyfriend/friend/girlfriend or whether they will stay over or not. This is our house that we share with guests and we are welcoming them to our house. If they feel that it is so important to stay with a married couple or a single person, then it is their homework to ask (I dare them to do that prior to booking and still have a chance to get approved) lol.

From my profile picture, everybody obviously can see that my skin is not white. From my profile, I clearly say that I am originally from Indonesia. Surprisingly, there are guests who really think about it  too much and make it clear on their request that they're coming with boyfriend/girlfriend and then after meeting me in person and talking to me and find out that I am not judgmental, easy going, and laid back they said "I was so nervous, I was afraid that you do not accept couple who are not married" so, they are the one who assume I am a certain way, but I don't.

Also, if they did not feel comfortable with the fact that your boyfriend was staying, why they ended up staying instead of finding another place to stay? It is unbelievable to see her having no issue lecturing you about how you should do things that actually none of her business nor affect your guests' stay.

So, to answer your question, I personally do not think that you need to add anymore information to your listing about this. People need to learn to mind their own business and not lecture others. If they do not feel comfortable, they always have the option to leave.