I'm not supposed to be here, but...

[Ryan2958]

Greetings!

My name is Ryan Smith and I live in Ada, OK. This may get a little personal, so please bear with me. I'm looking for an escape, a respite, to focus my thoughts, re-center my soul, and restructure a life strategy for this upcoming year. 

I'm a caregiver to a friend with cerebral palsy. He's in a wheelchair with some arm and hand mobility, and I'm responsible for getting him up, showered, ready for the day, drive him where he needs to go, cook dinner, then wind down and get him into bed. After Covid, we've had indescribable difficulty finding a backup for me. In fact, we've had no luck at all. So I've been on seven days per week and on call 24/7 for the past eight months with no day off.

I’m also a single dad to a sixteen year old daughter, so I’m managing two households while trying to manage a modicum of sanity. And yet…

My mom has been suffering from dementia for nearly two years now. It's taken a heavy toll on our family. It's hard, and so very unfair, to see the person you love the most slowly disappear a little more each day. 

My dad is my hero, but he's stubborn and seething with hubris. He refuses to find a place that is designed to help those with dementia and Alzheimer's. As long as she recognizes her home, she stays. Now he's killing himself taking care of her (wonder where I get it?), unable to even stand for flares of arthritis and gout in his knees.

Sisyphus had it easy. He only had ONE boulder. 

With that being explained, would any kind host please direct me to a listing that they feel would be best for me to spend a four day weekend toward the end of January or through mid-February?  While seclusion is preferred, I’m more than happy to be in a more social setting, telling stories, laughing, and playing music around a campfire. The *only* reason I’m asking for suggestions is because just looking for something is overwhelming at this point of synaptic degradation, and I know someone somewhere out there will read this and shout “Ah! I know *exactly* where he's been, how he feels,  and WHERE he needs to go!”

I'm quiet, will most likely play my guitar or read, but will spend the majority of my time learning to speak Bokmål, the language of Norway and half my heritage (Choctaw being the other, so I finally understand why I'm so drawn to nature).

I'm looking forward to any suggestions you may have, and very eager to hear from you. 

Best regards,

Ryan Smith

[Helen3]

Hello @Ryan2958 

If you put in the dates, location and type of property you are looking for on the Airbnb website  it will come up with available listings and then you can scroll through and see which ones might work best for you . 

[Mary419 · Accepted solution]

@Ryan2958 

if you search the term “caretaker retreat” you will find quite a few places that provide options for this. They know just what you are going through. 

Hopefully those resources could go beyond your one planned vacation and provide support and connections with people who “get it” throughout the year for you! 

[Ryan2958]

I just can’t find where to search for this on the main site. Is it a field in which you enter text or a filter option you can choose?

[Helen3]

Have you tried Google? I don't know what a caretaker retreat is but a search on Google plus the location you want to stay in should bring up listings using this term if it's commonly used in your location @Ryan2958 

[Huma0]

@Ryan2958 

I am not sure there is a filter on Airbnb for this (maybe this is something they could consider seeing as they have many categories that are to my mind more niche). 

I think @Mary419 's suggestion was more of a general one, but it sounds like a good one to me. Maybe try a Google or other web search and see what comes up in the location or country/ies you are interested in. There are many options outside of Airbnb.

[Rick4645]

Is there a particular area you're looking to travel to? How many people? What would you like to do on your getaway?

A little more info on what you'd like/need would help.

[Jenny]

Hi @Ryan2958 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story with us here on the CC.  You're always welcome here.

I hope that you're able to find the perfect listing to take some time for yourself, and thanks to @Helen3, @Rick4645 and @Mary419 for their input so far.  I particularly loved the tip about searching for a caretaker retreat.

Feel free to come back in the future and let us know about your trip, and where you ended up.

Jenny

[Ryan2958]

Updated...

[Mariann4]

Hei @Ryan2958 

Stikker bare hodet innom for å ønske deg lykke til med bokmålet!

Og lykke til med å finne et sted som passer dine behov for hvile og egenomsorg. 

Om du noen gang befinner deg i Norge (kanskje igjen, siden du sier halve opphavet ditt er norsk), så har vi mange steder der man bare ved å oppholde seg oppnår en egen indre ro og avslapning. Jeg håper du finner deg et godt sted.

Med vennlig hilsen

Mariann 🙂 

Bergen, Norge 

[Ryan2958]

Thanks to all who responded. 

Unfortunately, the guy I take care of doesn't seem to value me, my station, or my mental health. When we discussed it, he offered to float me a month's pay (~$1k) to help. That's what I based my plans upon. 

I was ready to pick one of three I found today, and called him to discuss it. He had changed his mind, perhaps influenced by his parents, suddenly fearful that his bold decision would anger them, or a combination of the two. 

So, my plans are cancelled, and the retreat I so desperately needed is an impossibility. 

Thank you to all who responded and offered advice and support. You're My Humans. ❤️

Vehemently,
Ryan Smith

PLEASE NOTE: This message is in NO WAY a desperate plea for a handout. I'm intelligent enough to recognize that's how this could be interpretated, but I hope my words are elegant enough to convey this is merely a needed vent. I will endure. I have a Valkyrie to raise. Tusen takk.

[Huma0]

@Ryan2958 I am sorry to hear your travel plans have been cancelled.

However, I still think it is not a bad idea to reach out to groups/communities that are focused on people in similar situations to yours locally. It can be very comforting to share with people who understand what you are going through. Have a look online and see if you can find some local support groups.

[Helen3]

Hello @Ryan2958 

Sorry your plans have changed but I am a little confused as to why the person you care for should be giving you money for your holiday.

It does put someone you care for in a vulnerable position if you ask him to advance you money.

Can you not ask your family members to advance you money so you can have your holiday. 

If the family cannot find someone to care for your friend outside of your standard working week, then it is up to them to help care for him.

I do hope you and your family get the break you need soon.

[Corinne833]

hi Ryan, depending on who you’re going with I love the lighthouse in in West Dennis at the Cape. There is a large main building and then there are many little cottages with decks in the front I know in the winter time it will be pretty chilly, but the restaurant is wonderful and it’s very close to downtown. me and my fiancé have gone there twice during the summer and it’s so nice. We always get the same cabin that faces the ocean. I think I would like to be there in the winter as much as in the summer I believe there is a fireplace as well. I hope you find some place you sound like you really need it! I have been in the same spot with my son, who is autistic . And nonverbal, but he is now living at school and coming home on weekends. If I was going by myself or with my partner, even my son, I would love to go there.

[Mary419]

Hey @Ryan2958 try this https://www.caregiver.org/connecting-caregivers/services-by-state/

Sorry I did mean general searches I wish Airbnb had something like this but they do not