LGBT Transgender, pronouns and inclusivity

[Alicia55]

Hi,

I'm writing emails, this and whatever else I can to help resolve a very easily fixed issue.  First, some back story, becuase well who doesn't love a great story? ok, so...

I had a guest coming to stay. I love my guests! I love having the oppurtunity to host them. I am a member of the LGBT community and very welcoming and love for others to see a part of an area that others may not suspect to be the the most welcoming. When my guest books and indicates that the second party memeber will be meeting up for the stay, at my location, I have the impression it is two lesbians. So I'm Yay!, more fellow lesbian friends!  I'm sure they will be super relieved if there was any anxiety, about their stay. After a bit, I'm talking to them and could see they were infact a lovely couple. 

Here's where the face palm missing peice comes in. One of my guests is a trans guy, and I didn't know. As soon as I found out, I was like yay, than felt absolutely terrible. Had I mistakenly misgendered!? Why did I have to find out from a guest telling me?!  Immedietely he was more than welcome and he was not going to be in any way made to feel uncomfortable by me. I'm all too familiar with much personal transgender integration in my life and at the next opportunity, apologized to him. Everything was ok with my guest, but still I felt like I had had the biggest let down of hosting after many years. I still am so disappointed in this.

So Iam thinking, why the heck doesn't Airbnb have preferred pronouns on the guests account? It would be great to have them optional, so if someone prefers to explicitly indicate for themselves or additional guests to avoid any confusion, or missteps, allow them to enable them and select what is preferred.  I am adding this to my listing details as well, until airbnb gets this in place.

I hope no one else has oooopsed, like I did, and more so I hope no one ever else has to with a simple addition to clarify.

Happy Pride month everyone!

[Russell49]

Identity is important???? Sorry, but things that are out of your control have no value-none. The pitfalls of identity politics lies in an over-emphasis of each other's differences while at the same time expecting to all be united or inclusive. You cannot have it both ways-you either want to be a part of the whole, or isolate through highlighted differences.

Everyone has their own nuances and somewhere in the last 10-15 years I have noticed the negative impact of liberal identity politics and its association with victimhood culture.

Just hearing terms like "cis" make me ill and reminds me of how identity politics puts everyone in a specific box and attempts to place a social value on it. Please tell me how this has made us a better society.

[Hitomi3]

I appreciate this topic, @Alicia55. 🙂

As I currently only host one guest at a time, I have never encountered this situation (because I would only call them by their name or "you").

Generally speaking, when I'm not sure about a person's gender or identity, I just refer to them as  "them", or maybe "she or he/him or her".

Having an optional preferred pronoun form is a great idea. To add onto that, it would be great if there was an option to indicate their gender identity (male, female, non-binary, etc.) as well. Yes, it could cause discrimination problems and booking rejections, but honestly, finding out that the host is a hater before staying at their place is much safer.

By the way, this reminded me of a guest I had, who had a selfie taken from far/with his whole body and I thought he was a female. When I greeted the guest at the door, I was very surprised. He probably didn't get why I looked startled for the first 10 seconds.haha He turned out to be one of the best guests I had, and it was all good though.

[Alicia55]

Exactly, if the option is there to choose a preferred name/pronouns and then select them, so that for those it applies, it's is listed, for anyone else, it can be ignored. And it only needs to be shown on details after booking, plus in places where there are no criminal issues with being LGBT. It's a solution that would be smart and very helpful.

As a woman with a transgender past, I'm fortunate that in every day life and as a host with many frequent guests over the years, that they would never suspect my past or likely have any valid reason to misgender me. But I'm not ashamed of my past and I certainly am not going to hide away for other's fear, bigotry, or willful ignorance. I would never want a guest to feel it's OK or an acceptable place to be in like that. I would never want any guest to ever feel they are anything but friends and are more than welcome in our home as their true authentic selves.

Especially when this was disclosed, I was like, well we both are so.... but still felt so terrible, because I know that horrible pain. For cis folks, it is fortunate beyond imagination. Otherwise it is a constant pain. I would never want my guest to feel that. I know how it makes everything uncomfortable. Immediately talking with my guest, He understood and immediately he was a thousand times happier.

I hope every host wants happy guests and to be a part of uplifting the community. I am doing my part to help get attention on this and make us all a little more aware and compassionate to each other.

It's been long ago, since I had to explicitly designate Ms. or Mss. to avoid confusion, but in those years of recovering from testosterone poisoning, it would have been incredible to simply be addressed accurately and respectfully.

[Sandy-and-Steve0]

What is cis?

[Letti0]

@Sandy-and-Steve0 It is short for cis-gendered, meaning someone who identifies with the sex they were born as. 

[Helen350]

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**[Comment removed in line with the Airbnb Nondiscrimination Policy]

[Sarah977]

Personally, I think people take offense far too easily these days and are also far too worried about causing offense. I am not talking about actually saying or doing something discriminatory to someone. But mistakenly using the wrong gender pronoun when the gender has not been specifically mentioned? There are far more pressing problems in the world. And if one is really concerned about this, couldn't it just be avoided by addressing a guest or host as "you" and their partner or travelling companion as "your friend", "your partner", or "your companion?

@Lisa723  I would not take offense at someone mistakenly referring to me as a gender different than my own. Like I said, there are far more pressing issues. One of my daughters was quite androgynous-looking as a child. She liked her hair short, wasn't a girly-girl who liked to wear dresses- t shirts and pants were her style. I remember her holding a door open for an old man when she was about 7. He said "Thank you, son, you're a good boy". We all just laughed about it, it was just a funny, honest mistake of no importance.

[Lisa723]

@Sarah977 from your photo it's pretty clear you are not likely to have that experience. As a straight cis person I couldn't presume to assume how it feels to be misgendered, but I can only imagine that feeling that you are trapped in the wrong kind of body is painful enough without other people carelessly reminding you of it and then brushing off whatever feelings you might have about that. I certainly would have some feelings if somebody referred to me as "he." (Mistaking a young girl for a boy is not the same thing.) This is (to me) not about avoiding giving "offense" but inflicting pain. I have a young relative who prefers "they" and it's been really hard to break the habit of using their previous gender pronoun, still feels unnatural to me, but I know it's important to them, so I do try hard.  I agree that this discussion is getting tangential to Airbnb concerns and I don't mean to perpetuate that but I do feel the need to speak up for people with this concern when people who have always lived free of it deprecate it.

[Westley-and-Pete0]

Isn't this just about good customer service rather than a broader political discussion about identity politics and people being easily offended? This won't affect the vast majority of guests, but for guests who are, for example, trans and to whom being referred to appropriately as he/she means a great deal,  what is the harm in having an option to make getting it right easier for hosts? Sure, it would be just as easy for those guests to specify "by the way, I am a 'she'", but Alicia is just throwing out ideas and I think it's not a bad one.

[Russell49]

No...This is liberal language control.

[John1600]

I wholeheartedly agree. 

[Rebecca160]

@Alicia55 this is a great topic. I have had a few gay and a few trans guests, yet it was obvious from the get go which pronouns to use. I do have some friends who in process of changing genders and know that this can be a time of confusion as to which pronoun to use. I never ask in advance, so if I had any questions when the guest(s) arrive, then I would just ask. Better to get that straight up front. But I do not feel it should be an option that one chooses on Airbnb. I just feel the environment, at least in the USA, is too hostile right now and could lead to some bad situations. 

I did have a couple once that I was expecting to be a lesbian couple and they were clearly straight male female couple when they arrived. My shock was evident, so I explained right away why I was looking shocked and we all had a good laugh. They did tease me throughout their stay and even signed a thank you card with his name feminized.

[Gerry-And-Rashid0]

@Alicia55

Your concern is admirable and understandable, but you are overthinking it - we all make mistakes about someone's name, sexuality, etc - it's how you deal with it that matters. Be friendly, treat people as you would like to be treated - I think you will find they were either amused by your mistake or  it didnt even crosw their mind.

 Good luck

[Lizzie]

Hello @Alicia55,

Thanks for starting this topic and highlighting a feature idea. It is great to hear an idea which you have thought about based on your own experiences with guests.

There is quite an array of opinions here, which is always welcoming to see and it is great to get further community input on an idea.

Thanks everyone and lets continue the conversation here. 🙂

Lizzie

[Michael-and-Dru0]

@Alicia55 I think you bring up a very important topic for airbnb.  As we as a society move more towards inclusion, gender specific pronouns don't always work.  As a company, which, seemingly is dedicated to inclusion, it would be good to allow all gender pronouns for both guests and hosts.