How to be a guest that hosts want to host (and also have self-respect)

[Heidi588]

I work remotely and for the past few years have lived in Airbnbs. I've had many short-term stays, and many long-term stays from a month to a year. My goal is that hosts trust me so that I can have the same independence and privacy as if I were renting an apartment in the States, but I get the benefit of living in affordale yet beautiful locations with lovely, comfortable furnishings and wonderful views in a variety of locations. With every good review that shows I'm a responsible and trustworthy temporary custodian of their investments, I experience more freedom and relaxation, because the hosts know they can experience more freedom and relaxation.

If you want to enjoy the same things, whether short-term or long-term, here's how I do it.

First, I remember that they are usually regular people who have other responsibilities besides me. It's not like staying in a hotel where there's an impersonal distance between me and the front desk staff and the maids -- the hosts are the owners, managers, front desk staff, and they either do the cleaning themselves or pay someone hourly to clean. I don't expect concierge service or a personal servant. There are some hosts who will go the extra mile and pick up guests from a terminal, take a guest around or out for a meal, or serve them a meal, but I never expect such service and I don't take advantage if they do one kind thing by expecting them to keep doing more (I don't even put in my review when they do such things because they might not want to do it for everyone). I should already have researched the area, and asked any questions via messages before arriving. It's a good idea to ask if they have a guest book with recommendations for restaurants, entertainment me public transportation. I remember I'm not staying with a relative or a friend, I should already be able to entertain myself and figure out how to get around, or ask in advance if they can help me with understanding transportation needs. I'm an adult. 

I use the search filter to ensure my needs and wants are met. I read a host's reviews to get a feel for their hosting style. I read the entire listing multiple times. I check the rules to make sure I can comply with them. I read the cancellation policy, the hours for check-in and check-out, and the procedures for all of these. If I'm uncertain of anything or have special preferences, I communicate with them before making the commitment of the reservation. I stay aware of red flags in their messages or lack thereof and I cancel if something feels hinky, therefore it's better to communicate with them and ask questions before committing to a contract that may have penalties if I cancel.

Once I make the reservation, I stay in contact with the host about when I plan to arrive and keep them updated. If I don't know far in advance when I will arrive, I make a commitment to let them know two days in advance. On the way there, I update them when I've arrived in the area and how I plan on getting to them (my own car or taxi), and if I can, I give them a heads-up when I'm getting close to arriving or when I've been delayed. Hosts don't like surprises, such as a different guest showing up, or more guests than reserved for, and it's not something they should have to put up with. This stresses them out and puts them in an emotional space where they have to be wary and protect themselves. How would I like it if I invited someone to my home or my property and I had to wait around for them without communication, or someone different than I expected showed up, or they brought additional guests without telling me? 

When I check in, I listen to the host's instructions, ask questions, make sure we understand each other, and read any rules they leave out. If anything is unclear between us at any point, one or both of us could end up unhappy, so I try to resolve it as quickly as possible. I certainly don't want to make the effort to get there only to have to pack up and find different accommodations. Traveling is stressful enough, I need to take responsibility for my own well-being at all times, and so I need to take responsibility to be as informed as possible about expectations. If a host doesn't meet their responsibilities, at least I know it wasn't on me that I didn't read the listing and the rules, nor because I didn't pay attention, ask questions or get any clarification I needed.

When I check out, at the very least, I leave the space as neat and orderly as I found it. Before I check out, whether the stay is short- or long-term, I do the following, which should take 30 minutes at most:

- Dishes are clean and either in the drainer or put away.

- All trash is in the designated receptacles.

- If I haven't already, I clean up all my messes from cooking and personal hygiene, and any spills on any surfaces.

- I strip the beds, fold the decorative bedding, and place in a separate pile on the bed all towels, sheets, and pillow cases (not decorative shams but the pillow cases for sleeping). I place the towels on top of the sheets so the bed doesn't get damp. Or, I leave the towels together on the counter in the bathroom if they're really damp or wet. 

- I put everything back where I found it. With the exception of the bed and dishes in the drainer, the space should look like it did when I walked in.

- I unplug appliances and turn off fans, air conditioning, heaters, etc. 

If it's a long-term stay, I do all of the above, and I also clean the apartment to the level it was clean when I arrived (I always rent a whole home, but if I rented a room, I would clean the room and bathroom). Some folks may think this isn't necessary if they pay a cleaning fee, but I find this is a better rule of thumb. I want to show hosts that I appreciate the opportunity to stay in such a wonderful place by paying my rent on time every month, notifying them in advance of check-out of any damages (even a broken coffee cup), and keeping the space at least as clean as I found it, if not better -- and it shows in my reviews. If when I arrived I had to do any cleaning (and that has happened), then before I check out I only do what's listed above, and I don't waste the time to dust, disinfect, or mop, though I will sweep/vacuum the floors if it's obvious that it's needed. 

Overall, I remain aware of my boundaries and theirs, and my responsibilities and theirs. They are human and imperfect, and I am human and imperfect. We have a contract, and we each need to honor it. We each have some level of vulnerability to the other, and because of that there is always potential that we can each irresponsibly and unethically wield power against one another. The philosopher Seneca said, "It is far more wretched to harm than to be harmed." I don't want to be harmed, but even worse, I don't want it on my conscience that I've intentionally or ignorantly harmed another.

If a host doesn't meet a responsiblity, I can address it with them (I use the messaging platform for my protection), I can address it with Airbnb, and I can address it in the review. I don't expect a level of perfection like I would at a hotel, I just expect hosts to meet the expectations set out in the listing and the rules. I let little things go, like a dirty pot or kitchen utensil, or dust on the back of furniture or on top of the picture frames, or the occasional insect, or a neighbor having a one-off party that doesn't require the police to be called. I make a point to not be a grumpy cat or a Karen or a very special princess with servants at my beck and call. 

If the host doesn't meet a responsibility and it's worth going to battle over, I don't pile up on top of it all the little things that were, up until then, worth letting go of so that I can  make them SuperWrong and make myself a SuperVictim; I find in life that such behavior is emotionally immature and often bites me in the butt if I let myself go there. If they're not a good host, I take note of all that's happening and make decisions based on my safety, and then my well-being. If I'm living independently in a space and am not satisfied with the experience but have determined I'm safe, I weigh out all the pros and cons and decide what's worth the hassle and what isn't. Whether it's a short- or long-term stay, if I'm not safe, I have enough extra money in reserve to quickly pack up and go someplace else until I figure out my next move and then can start to sort out the potential refund once I'm safe and calmed down (Airbnb does not always take the guest's side, even over something egregious, and they often don't act quickly). 

If I decide I'm safe, and I've communicated my issues with the host but I don't get the response I think I deserve, yet I get enough benefit that it's worth the hassle to stay, then I don't try to get a refund after I check out, nor screw over the host with a worse review than they merit. I know that future potential hosts will not only read reviews about me, but reviews I leave for other hosts, so I try to leave a balanced review that acknowledges any positives, and dispassionately but accurately describes any negatives. I don't do name-calling or labeling, I describe specific actions, behaviors, and/or conditions, and how I was impacted, with no hyperbole. I don't want to stop someone from earning an income, I just want mutually appropriate, rules-based treatment, and to address it assertively when it doesn't happen.  If that host also gives me a negative review and I don't agree with what they said, I have the opportunity to respond; I note my side of what happened and that future hosts can read the fair and balanced review I left for the host I disagree with. Hosts seem to also be understanding that occasionally a guest and a host don't get along, or that we all have one-offs, but it definitely helps to build up other good reviews so that it's clear that's what happened. 

I do my best to practice good boundaries: knowing what belongs in my yard, knowing what belongs in the host's yard, knowing what belongs in Airbnb's yard, and knowing what's okay behavior and not okay behavior -- my own behavior as well as others'. If I have to sneak to do something I want and I know it's not allowed in the rules, I'm not being responsible for my own behavior and I'm practicing bad boundaries. I remember that ethics are just as important for me to practice toward others as they are for others to practice toward me, and that means I'm not always in the right, and I'm not deserving of what I want just because I'm a guest, I'm traveling, and/or I'm inherently special. If a host acts entitled, it's a problem. If I act entitled, it's a problem. If don't override others' boundaries and rules, nor allow them to override mine, then I'm standing on solid ground. I try to maintain equanimity; if I can't, then I'm in a situation I don't need to be in, and if I don't have the means to leave, then I can be victimized and/or act out to my detriment and others'. If I'm getting worked up, I need to either leave the situation or take a time-out, because if I lose it, even if I'm in the right, it weakens the foundation of my rightness and gives the other person fuel against me. If they try to override my boundaries or not meet their responsibilities, I remain calm, direct, honest and firm -- and I still end up with good reviews. I don't let a potential bad review hold me hostage, and hosts shouldn't either. 

Ultimately, I have to take responsibility for my own safety and well-being, because I'm the one person I can rely on to do so. That means reading the listing and rules; communicating with the host beforehand and, if needed, during the stay; maintaining awareness; planning for what I want as well as possible undesirable events; and having enough of a financial cushion that I can get to safety -- unexpected things can happen, such as natural disasters, pandemics, or people who don't honor my boundaries, including hosts, other guests, someone I'm traveling with, or the neighbor of the host or the neighbor's guests. With every life experience and every catastrophe, I learn from it so that I'm more aware and prepared going forward. I'm nobody's victim, and I'm nobody's abuser. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk 😂

[Sharon1014]

@Heidi588   

Where exactly is the link to your "Ted Talk"?  I looked you and your subject matter on Ted, nothing to be found.   So this was a meme kind of joke, non-existent play on words?  I see a number of hosts bought into that one, thinking it was the real deal.

You've had "many Airbnb stays?"  I counted 10 since 2016 and just one in the last 15 months.  One with the same host twice.

You've never rented an apartment in the States (according to your profile) but make it sound like you have and all but one of your stays have been in Mexico (with the other in Guatemala)

Did you post this here thinking it would tickle a few ears and  lead to some "consulting" work with Airbnb?  As for your reviews, while most were complimentary, one of your hosts was clearly very unhappy with you as a guest.

Do you know how many guests will read this article? = 0 

Do you know how many guests who might benefit from this advice will read it? = 0

Do you know how many hosts here can give the exact same advice for free?  Thousands.

Home-sharing hosts of course will think the pretend Ted Talk  is just peachy.  Every host wants respectful guests, and mostly that is exactly what we get. 

The problem guest can usually be spotted a mile off and nothing anyone says or does with those folks makes the slightest difference.

[Heidi588]

@Sharon1014, calling it a TedTalk was an expression of my dry and self-deprecating sense of humor. 

If you're interested in an amazing TedTalk, I highlly suggest Brené Brown, the shame researcher. She says that shame has two primary driving messages:  "You're not good enough" and "Who do you think you are?"

I won't engage again, and I sincerely wish you well.

[Sarah977]

I tried to answer your private message, but my forum account is all screwed up- can't reply to those and can't hardly post at all. Will get back to you when it gets fixed, who knows how long that will take, did't want you to think I was ignoring you.

@Heidi588 

[Cindy932]

What a great perspective on being a guest. Thanks so much for writing this, and I'll be sharing it in a page of my guestbook, if you don't mind!

[Heidi588]

@Cindy932 , thank you for your kind feedback! 

I'm honored you would want to share it in your guestbook.  I wonder, though, if it could be received as passive-agressive or controlling and backfire on you, because there is definitely a lot in there that could be perceived as criticism.

It is indeed critical, there are things in there I have to remind myself of when I'm heading into entitlement mode or getting worked up about something, and I need that kind of firm talking-to from myself sometimes. I have a tendency to talk to peers (including myself as a peer) in a somewhat man-to-man style: wake up to what you're doing, be responsible for yourself, own your stuff, work on doing better for your own good and others'. My peers don't always like it, so I wonder how a guest would take it coming from you when it both is and is not a peer relationship, and the guest-host relationship can be fraught with small and big power issues.

Anyhow, that's my take. I apologize if I said more than you were looking for or overstepped and gave constructive comments where they weren't wanted. It's good to give me feedback about that because I'm always working on refining my boundaries.

Also, if there's something guests are doing and you'd like them to stop, would you like any input from me as a guest (and someone with tons of professional customer service experience) about how to try to get through to them? If not, cool. Either way, I wish you the best, and thank you for the huge compliment. 

[Suzanne731]

Oh  My  Word!!! Please come and stay at our BnB any time, dear Heidi!!!😅🙏