How to stop a host following me around complaining about her mental health issues?

[Ali11529]

I'd booked into an AirBnb in Lower Hutt, New Zealand, but the host (a New Zealander) turned out to be an unemployed woman with mental health issues who followed me around the house telling me the most inappropriate, personal details about herself. She even followed me into my bedroom so I couldn't escape from it there. She told me her mother was an extreme narcissist and the whole family had mental health issues, including suicide, and she used to be a drug user. She'd had the police over a few weeks earlier to help with her mental breakdowns and her neighbour had called the cops on her a few times after they'd had disputes. There were strong warning signs about her mental health issues, such as sleeping until midday every day and then getting up and watching real life murder shows on TV for the rest of the day and night. She even complained about gynaecological issues, like reoccuring thrush. Then there was the swearing and shouting over simple things, like a hinge on a door that was a bit loose. I was deeply frightened by her behaviour.

Eventually I told her I was extremely uncomfortable about it all and just wanted to be left alone my room to do my work, but she became very verbally abusive and said I must have mental health issues because I don't want to sit there while she subjects me to loud complaints about how much she hates her mother. She described herself as very popular, and yet had no friends or social life. The behaviour was quite similar to a 4 year old child in terms of extreme attention seeking (I've seen todlers behave like this around their parents). Her age is approximately 50 (that's how old she looked to me, although she claimed to be mid-40s). She constantly walked into my room during my meetings via Zoom/Skype, which was really embarrassing. I kept the door closed at all times but there was no lock so I couldn't keep her out. She rifled through my draws and stole $80.

I've left and booked into a professional hotel now, but the experience has left me very frightened and shaken. I understand that mentally ill people don't want to be that way, but I just wanted to pay for a room and get on with my work in peace. Now I'm doubting whether Air Bnb is really suitable for work travellers. Does anyone have any advice on what to do when a host follows a guest around the house and complains about her mental health issues, family suicides and gynaecological problems? Thanks for any tips on how to remedy the behaviour in case this happens again. Perhaps if I only book through couples in the future to avoid the chance of ending up booking with a mentally unwell unemployed person who lives alone?

[Sarah977]

@Ali11529  I think you really had no choice but to cancel the rest of your stay there and move elsewhere. I don't see anything you could have done differently to change this woman's behavior, she's mentally ill. Were there any reviews of this place, and did you read them before booking? If so, no one mentioned anything off? 

Did you Instant Book or send a booking request? I would suggest that you send booking requests to hosts, so you can exchange a message or two with a host before committing. I find I can tell a lot about someone by the way they communicate in messages. You can then also ask questions like "does the bedroom door have a lock from the inside?" "I'll need to be working  from my room most of the time-is it pretty quiet at your place with no big distractions?"

I'm sorry you had such a disturbing experience, but thinking that this is some general thing that happens a lot that you have to be fearful of when booking an Airbnb isn't valid. You just had the bad luck to encounter a host with serious mental problems- it's hardly the norm. I live alone and host solo guests who have a private bedroom/bath with a lock and I wouldn't dream of disturbing my guests when they are in their room. I try to follow a guest's lead as to whether they want to be chatty or not when they are using the kitchen or other common spaces, and I'd certainly not be using them to unload my personal baggage on.

You always have the choice to book a private apartment, or a self-contained suite within a host's home, or maybe a little cabin on the host's property, but of course that would generally be more expensive than a private room with shared spaces. And this host would likely have been coming over disturbing you anyway, even if you had a private, lockable self-contained space with your own kitchen on the host's property.

I can assure you that hosts also occasionally get a mentally disturbed guest, but as I said, it's not the norm from either side, but when you're dealing with a platform where strangers are staying in other strangers' homes, it's bound to happen once in awhile to someone.

[Ali11529]

Thanks very much - that is excellent advice about messaging her a few times to gauge the friendliness of the response. Actually, when I booked the place, her messages were cold and she demanded to know exactly what time I'd arrive (usually I'd state a range between say 6-7pm to give me time to find the house after navigating traffic, but she was very insistent I had to arrive exactly at a stated time).

And I'll definitely follow your advice about enquiring after a lock on the door. She insisted she had to come into the room constantly to get towels out of the cupboard in my bedroom, but she only rents out one room so there was no reason for her to keep going into my room to get towels and look through my draws. I told her I was happy to use the same towel for 3 days and I could get a new towel out of my cupboard myself when I needed one. I suppose she just had a strong urge to control people and she really enjoyed trying look for a fight and drama.

I'm most heart-broken about the cruel comments about her mother. I feel so sad for that lonely widow with a daughter who spreads vicious rumours about her to everyone she meets. The mother could sue for defamation with all of the vile comments this woman says about her. After I left, I sent a message to my own mother to tell her I loved her.

[Sarah977]

@Ali11529  Yeah, sometimes a bad situation can make us more appreciative of what we have. 

I was going to say, too, that there's nothing wrong, when you first check into a home-share and get settled, with letting the host know what your agenda is. I had a guest who let me know soon after she arrived that she had booked my place because of the description and reviews that indicated it was a quiet place in the countryside. She said she worked at a retreat center and was constantly surrounded with and having to talk to other people all day and she really needed a break from that, so not to take it personally that she wasn't into being chatty. Her intention was to meditate, do some yoga, write, and try to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, as she needed a change. I really appreciated her telling me that. She wasn't at all unfriendly, she was a really nice, intelligent person, and we did have some brief conversations, but other than saying good morning and I hope she slept well when she came down to make coffee and breakfast, all those conversations were initiated by her, whereas I might have been more talkative had I not known she wanted to be mostly silent.

But then, I'm not mentally ill, at least I don't think so 🙂

[Ali11529]

Thanks, I definitely did remember to do that. In the message I said I need a really quiet place so I can be left alone to work, which I reiterated when I got there. She said she's a very respectful person who would feel terrible if she disrupted a guest, and then immediately proceded to tell me the police had to come over a few weeks earlier because she had a mental breakdown due to loneliness. This was followed by an explanation that her narcissistic mother caused her to have these mental problems. She didn't have the social skills to register the alarm on my face when she told me this. When I tried to go to the room to get away, she just followed me in.

I would never follow someone into their bedroom and sit on their bed telling them all about my personal problems - I thought hosts know not to go into the room and sit on the bed and go through the draws? I felt really claustrophobic with her in there because she's quite a strong build and I'm very small, so it was really intimidating.

[Cathie19]

Hi @Ali11529 . I’m deeply sorry for your experience with this host. There are definite concerns here, and had it happened to me, I would have reported her to Airbnb, and certainly written a review about lack of privacy.

Playing devil’s advocate, maybe she was not taking medication, causing the episodes you were sadly experiencing with her intrusive interactions. 

@Sarah977 as always, has given good advice. As a host and a guest, I always look to the communication indicators: to flow and appear friendly, as well as feel credible and even in a business situation, a sense of rapport. 

Also consider only renting a place that does advertise in their descriptors, a lock on your door. This can be a communication starter... stating you have had an intrusion in the past. But do also consider as a single female travelling for business, carrying a personal lock. Not everyone is comfortable using them, but I’ve used them in five star hotels and shared rooms in hostels and Airbnb.  I’ve given them as gifts to female friends young and old, who travel. The one in the image works for when you are IN the room. It won’t stop someone entering the space when you are out of it. There are a number of styles on the market, but I have this one which came in a little plastic wallet. The other item I travel with is a Pacsafe safe bag, (not cheap, but cheaper than a theft) for personal valuables that I’m not carrying on me, for whatever reason.....  They come in different sizes, but the 12 litre is great for placing laptops, cameras, documents combined. Usually hang it up inside a well secured rod in the wardrobe, under a shirt or jacket. Or place them inside your locked suitcase. Can be also used under the fixed solid bracket of a car seat, when hiring a vehicle, getting in and out for tourist stops. 

Hope these ideas help. 🙂 

[Ali11529]

That's such a great idea about the personal lock. I've never heard of them - I was just placing my laundry basket behind the door so that it would make noise and act as obstacle when she burst into the room. I'm definitely going to invest in one of those now. Thanks for suggesting this 🙂

The woman displayed very strong signs of being a controlling narcissist (despite ironically accusing her mother of that and speaking in loud, aggressive, patronising voice tone whenever the mother called her). I don't actually think there is medication available for that condition. Plus if a person damages their brain over many years of drug use, from what I understand, it's not repairable (no medications can correct that).

[Mark116]

@Ali11529   Sometimes it is just bad luck, the same with hosts, we try to weed out 'bad' guests via messaging and how the house rules are written etc, but some get through, in this case, it sounds like you did all the right and  normal things to ensure a smooth stay but your hosts issues prevented her from picking up on the hints or even caring.  I imagine it was quite a frightening experience.

[Linda108]

@Ali11529   As a prolific user of the Air BNB platform as a guest (I see 19 reviews), you probably are more aware of how to negotiate this platform as a most guests.  However, it appears that your previous stays were positive, so perhaps you have had a good awakening.  Unlike cookie cutter hotel/motel chains, Air BNB, especially home share situations, are not just a cheaper accommodation but are glimpses into the real and sometimes crazy world.  Your most recent experience is obviously a minor one in your general experience so I would hope you are not going to generalize from it.  Good luck with the next place!

[Ali11529]

Thanks Linda. I tend to book equally through Air Bnb and hotel sites like Booking.com. There are pros and cons of both. Hosts who advertise through Booking.com are almost always professional operators who don't want to mingle with guests so it has a very different feel. I've stayed in luxury Air Bnbs that are amazing and are the best of both worlds (professional hosts with locks on the door and quality beds and linen), but the luxury ones just aren't affordable for stays longer than two weeks, unfortunately 🙂

[Sarah977]

@Cathie19  "The one in the image works for when you are IN the room. It won’t stop someone entering the space when you are out of it.". 

As a home share host myself, if a host only rents out one private room in their home, I should hope guests wouldn't feel the need for a lock on the outside of the door. Even if it did have a lock, the host would have a spare key- you have to be able to get in there if there's a fire or other emergency situation, so a lock would be kind of pointless. Of course, if there are multiple rooms being rented to unrelated guests, or if the host has kids who might innocently go in the room when the guest isn't there, I think guests definitely need to be able to lock the door from the outside. Not only would it make the guest feel that their stuff is safe from strangers when they go out, it eliminates accusations of theft by other guests, as the only one who'd have a spare key is the host.

[Cathie19]

I agree @Sarah977 with all the issues you have raised. These internal locks are not to replace an external lock and never will. Even the busiest of hotels, or quietest B&B /Airbnb have locks with real keys or card style to their premises, for entry and emergency use. 

These portable locks are very easy and quick to operate and can stop someone entering the space whilst you are in it. Specifically whilst sleeping, but in this case, possibly a Zoom work meeting. If a smoke detector or fire alarm were to activate, you can disengage the portable lock, get out of a room very fast -  and I know this is important, having Chief Warden training myself.

I think what’s important here is the guests peace of mind. We can never know how a personality, ours or another host or concierge may come across to an individual. Either because we may remind them of a negative person from their past, or someone’s manner or commentary is just creepy. (as mentioned in past threads.)

I’ve been in an Airbnb where cleaners have come on site whilst you are living there, bringing a child with them who wandered around the property. We never know if a personality can trigger a negative or creeped out response. This was culturally acceptable where we were staying, but trust needs to also accept peace of mind for the individual.  🙂 

[Sarah977]

@Cathie19  I think you misunderstood my post. I think that inside travel lock you posted is a great idea. I've read posts from guests who said the listing indicated there was a lock on the bedroom door, but when they arrived, they found the lock didn't work, or there in fact wasn't one, or the door only had a padlock from the outside- they couldn't lock the door when they were inside the room. All travellers should have one of those in their bag of useful travel items.

I was just rounding out the lock discussion by mentioning when I think an outside lock is in order, and when it doesn't really make any sense. Because I've also read posts from guests who said they felt insecure leaving their stuff in the room when they were out, because there was no outside lock, even though they were only staying with the host and there were no other guests, or other people in the house. They seemed not to realize that a homeowner would always have keys to any lock in their own house and that the host is also taking a big risk by having a stranger in their home with all their own possessions in it.

[Cathie19]

Agree! 🌻

[Ali11529]

Absolutely - we're opposite personalities. I think she and I come from wildly different backgrounds. When she insisted on telling me about her family history of narcissism, drugs, suicide and her brother stealing her inheritance, I was absolutely horrified that I'd booked a room with someone who would tell all of that to a paying customer who had just arrived at the house to sleep in the room. She interpreted my horror as interest in her awful stories, which is probably why she's unemployed, as she can't read or relate to people.

Conflict with my brother and sister consists of something like, 'I was disappointed you forgot my birthday.' 'Ok, sorry, I'll make it up to you next year.' Conflict resolved.