How do you handle 'time vampires'?

[Huma0]

Hello everyone, I wanted to ask how home hosts handle guests who require an awful lot of your time and company to the point where it's hard to get on with your work, tasks or to have a moment to yourself. Let's call them the Time Vampires.

The Time Vampire loves to stay with a home host, not simply because they enjoy the interaction but because they desperately need the company and attention. When they book a room, they feel like they also booked the host and that you belong to them for the duration of their stay (and sometimes even beyond). They expect you to spend every waking hour with them and never leave your side.

Here's how to spot a Time Vampire:

- I am a chatty person, but the Time Vampire will not ever want to end a conversation or let you take a break from it. Once you start chatting to them, they will not let you get away, to the point that you can't eat, take a shower, get to bed etc. etc. 

- If you tell them you have something urgent to do, like make an important phone call, they will ignore you and carry on talking.

- They will interrupt whatever you are doing. If you are cleaning, they tell you to stop and hang out with them instead. If you are trying to work, they will hover around you, trying to make conversation or showing you silly YouTube videos.

- If you try to escape, they will follow you around the house. They might even wait for you outside the toilet so they don't lose a minute of your time.

- They will want you to accompany them when they go out and, even if you have a valid excuse not to, will keep insisting.

- They will tell you very personal things about themselves and ask you intimate questions or make very personal comments about you. They want to see what you are doing on your laptop, phone, or writing in your diary. 

- What's yours is theirs. They will expect to eat/drink whatever you are having. They will help themselves to your personal items. They especially love opening things. Anything that is still brand new in the packaging must be unwrapped, even if they aren't going to use it.

- They will invade your space. The only part of my four-storey house that isn't communal is my bedroom. That is the one private space I can retreat to. The Time Vampire will want to come in to have a look, or they will try to get you out of bed in the morning so you can share coffee or breakfast. They have clearly been waiting for you and are starting to lose patience. Sadly, they are not just nocturnal.

How do you handle this type of guest, i.e. maintain your sanity, protect your personal space, not let your time be needlessly eaten away and still keep this especially friendly guest happy?

[Huma0]

PS, the examples given above are not just about one guest, but based on a few encounters I've had. Luckily, I don't come across a Time Vampire very often but, as I host long term guests, it's a major stress when I do.

I can cope with them for a few days, but weeks? Months? No.

Also, it's almost impossible to spot a Time Vampire until they are already in your space, so any tips on how to repel them (nicely) once they are here?

[Kitty-and-Creek0]

@Huma0

@Huma0

This is why I prefer short term guests. I think you've answered your own question. For myself, I am looking for a short term guest, not a housemate. A housemate takes a lot more intensive screening, preferably an already existing friendship. I have worked from home for the majority of 50 years, and am happy with being quietly in my own space much of the time. A "TV" showing up here for a few days is not an issue; rather, it is a delightful change. Someone once said "Fish and Visitors Smell after 3 Days" - I believe it was Benjamin Franklin. Some guests I just adore, others, not so much, but they are all terrific people. Someone else said "Everyone brings pleasure to our house - some by arriving, others by leaving." We humans are definitely vast in our variety. 

[Huma0]

@Kitty-and-Creek0 

All that is very true. 

However,  most of my Time Vampire guests were short term...

From my experience, guests travelling solo for long periods of time or living and working abroad etc. tend to be very independent, self sufficient people. It's the rare exception that causes a headache.

I have encountered far more needy short term guests. These are often people who think they will enjoy travelling alone but find that they don't, or people who would rather not travel alone but didn't have anyone to come with them.

[Gordon0]

Brilliant post, @Huma0, and I've had a few bites from these types. The lesser-known Time Vampire can often be identified by their over-friendly or 'matey' correspondence. Sadly, their camouflage hides this until you've pressed the 'accept' button, or their booking has sailed through via an IB. 

A recent TV started their communications with me with, and I quote, word-for-word: "I was taken by the energy behind your Airbnb description and hence wanted to stay at your place". 

It was at this moment I knew danger lay ahead. Thankfully, I was able to swerve any dangerous levels of engagement by heading into the office, and sneaking round in the dark when home. 

[Huma0]

@Gordon0 

I am trying to think of any red flags that I could have spotted in the correspondence with the TVs, but I cannot think of anything obvious. There was nothing there to have alerted me until the day they arrived and then it becomes obvious very, very quickly.

Sadly, working from home makes it hard to dodge a TV, but even more so nowadays when I am not going to meetings or seeing friends and family as often, let alone travelling a lot like I used to pre-COVID.

My worst TV was doing a course so was at least out of the house for part of the day Monday to Friday, but she would literally run through the front door when she got home, calling out my name and rushing to greet me. So friendly, but so too too much.

This guest was supposed to stay with me but luckily left after 2.5 weeks. According to the long-term policy, she was obliged to pay for the first month, but was going to stay until the end of the month if that was the case. I let her off the hook because no money is worth your sanity and she needed to go, the sooner the better! Even after the date change was done and dusted, she started saying she had changed her mind and would rather continue her stay here. I think I told her I already had a new booking.

She then 'accidentally' left stuff here and arranged to come to collect it (at a time specified by her) and even that was a drama. She came to the door, but said she had an appointment for a manicure nearby and was late so no time to come in (why on earth book a manicure at the SAME time you told me you were going to collect your things?) and would come back in about an hour. Okay, fine, I said, but I am meeting my family in a couple of hours, so please no later than that. I was left waiting for her for hours while she didn't respond to any messages, before I gave up and went about my day.

She eventually contacted me again about picking up her stuff a few days later, but had no idea why I was annoyed that she hadn't come back that day as promised. I had to shove her things at her and shuffle her out of the door because she started talking again about how unhappy she was with her new accommodation and I knew where that conversation was heading...

The TV thinks the world revolves around them and has no respect whatsoever for your time. Then again, they live for an eternity right? Unless they get a stake through the heart first.

[Huma0]

Sorry, meant to say the guest was supposed to stay with me for two months...

[Laura2592]

@Huma0 these are narcissists. Low level and highly functioning perhaps, but narcissists nonetheless.  

A narcissist suffers from a deep seated sense of inadequacy and therefore must constantly distract themselves. Most often we associate this term with very self aggrandizing behavior but there are many types. One has just the behavior you describe: constantly needing attention and doing things to get it (oversharing, interrupting, close contact) . They also ignore social cues that might stop the attention from coming to them and will even create dramatic situations if it results in more attention.  They hate sitting with themselves because the thoughts of inadequacy creep in and will resort to just about anything not to have that happen. 

Boundaries are always the answer. I can see that a home share host with a kind demeanor would really attract this personality type. Keep everything professional. Set limits at the beginning of conversation ("I only have 10 minutes and then I have to leave. No sorry this is a personal errand. I need to do it alone. ") Answer messages more and more slowly unless of course it's an emergency.  Lay out expectations early and often. Repeat. 

I have had years of dealings with this personality disorder in my family. Loads of therapy and practical guidance on how to dodge many of the time sinks. I even did a thesis on the various manifestations of this disorder for a grad program.  Its sadly quite common.  

[Kitty-and-Creek0]

@Laura2592  @Huma0 

Well said, Laura. 

[Huma0]

@Laura2592 

Yes, the word narcissist did spring to mind, but it's so overused these days, maybe because, like you say, it's sadly common.

Everything you say makes total sense and absolutely fits the pattern of behaviour I am talking about, especially ignoring social cues.

You are right that one has to be a bit more firm in setting boundaries. I have tried the "I really need to make an urgent phone call," or "I must get to the supermarket before it closes," but they just disregard that. I guess I'm being very British in not wishing to seem rude and cut someone off mid sentence.

I have a friend who won't stop talking when we're on the phone (or in person), even if you tell her you really need to go. I have actually left her on the phone talking while I went to the toilet because things were getting desperate and she just wouldn't stop. She carried on talking for a while before she realised I wasn't responding!

I do try to lay out expectations with my guests and it generally works, but then I only encounter these narcissistic types on occasion. My house rules and house tour are already rather long, so there are things I don't always mention, e.g. don't help yourself to my personal things, as they are obvious to the majority of guests. If I could spot the narcissist in advance, for sure I would mention them. It's so much easier to set boundaries from the start rather than to keep having to remind/nag guests of stuff after the fact.

[Laura2592]

@Huma0 they can be rough to deal with. Believe me I understand. Sometimes you have to be direct to the point of bluntness before they realize you are serious. That can be very uncomfortable for people who aren't wired that way. 

Perhaps instead of trying to spot these people individually (because theres not a reliable way to do that beyond what you have in place), make some house rules to cover the irritating behavior. Something like "leave behinds must be collected in 24 hours or they will be donated" for example.

It helped me to visualize. I think of my time as an incredibly valuable ring full of gems (I love jewelry. ) The more a narcissist talks beyond the end of the conversation, the more they push limits or upset me, I imagine they are prying gems out of my ring. And I don't want that! I want to get out of there with my jewelry intact! So that helps me to put up that boundary immediately.  Maybe something like that will work for you?

[Huma0]

@Laura2592 

Mmm... I wonder.

Perhaps I can try to imagine more and more grey hairs appearing on my head. Mind you, I have plenty already, so that might not be incentive enough.

My house rules are so long already. I am reluctant to add to them if it's something that doesn't happen too often. I used to tell guests during my house tour not to help themselves to anything and everything they see in the kitchen or bathroom as it might not even be mine, but another guest's. After I stopped hosting short term guests (many of which think they are staying in a hotel, or that everything is set up exclusively for their use), this pretty much ceased to be a problem, so I stopped mentioning it.

The Time Vampire/narcissist, however, doesn't have those boundaries. They just help themselves. Of course, if I am having a glass of wine, I will offer a guest a glass, but when they raid the wine fridge every night opening bottles, that's a bit different. In that particular case, I did eventually say something.

The guest eventually bought a couple of bottles (after drinking several of mine) and said one was a gift for me and one for us to share. She immediately proceeded to drink one whole bottle. The following evening, she came home, went straight to the wine fridge and then asked where the second one was. I had actually hidden it (petty, I know, but I anticipated she would do this and I wanted to draw a line) but said, "Oh sorry, I thought that was for me. I drank it already."

As most guests do not behave this way, I do not want to have to include house rules like don't drink other people's wine without asking. The rest of the guests who don't behave that way will think I am the one with issues.

[Huma0]

Oh, and @Laura2592 , I've two who were not high functioning in the least. I was baffled at how they functioned in life at all. It became clear that they entirely relied on other people to take care of them in every way possible, rather than to grow up and take care of their own day-to-day needs. That meant, as long as they were here, I was that person. Both were in their 30s. 

[Laura2592]

@Huma0 oh I hear you! I have a relative who I wonder seriously how they got to their 60s. They are the most helpless person I ever met. They never learned to do basic life tasks in order to keep the attention of others. This person is textbook  narcissist. I am somewhat in awe of how they have others trained to do their bidding. 

[Huma0]

@Laura2592 

I am sorry you have had to deal with this so much in your own family. That must be very stressful. 

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@Laura2592 wrote:

I am somewhat in awe of how they have others trained to do their bidding. 

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The only explanation I have for this is that some people feel the need to take care of others and can't stand to see someone else struggling. You would know more about this from me because of your studies, but perhaps low functioning narcissists are naturally drawn to these types and vice versa.

Other people need someone who is dependent on them. Many, many moons ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was insanely controlling, jealous, possessive and paranoid. I am a very faithful and attentive partner, but I have also been fiercely independent from a young age. It was not a good mix. After we split up, he got together with a a girl who was a complete mess, a drug addict and threatened to commit suicide if he ever broke up with her. At first, I couldn't understand the appeal. Then the penny dropped. Her dependence was exactly what he craved.