How to stop a host following me around complaining about her mental health issues?

[Ali11529]

I'd booked into an AirBnb in Lower Hutt, New Zealand, but the host (a New Zealander) turned out to be an unemployed woman with mental health issues who followed me around the house telling me the most inappropriate, personal details about herself. She even followed me into my bedroom so I couldn't escape from it there. She told me her mother was an extreme narcissist and the whole family had mental health issues, including suicide, and she used to be a drug user. She'd had the police over a few weeks earlier to help with her mental breakdowns and her neighbour had called the cops on her a few times after they'd had disputes. There were strong warning signs about her mental health issues, such as sleeping until midday every day and then getting up and watching real life murder shows on TV for the rest of the day and night. She even complained about gynaecological issues, like reoccuring thrush. Then there was the swearing and shouting over simple things, like a hinge on a door that was a bit loose. I was deeply frightened by her behaviour.

Eventually I told her I was extremely uncomfortable about it all and just wanted to be left alone my room to do my work, but she became very verbally abusive and said I must have mental health issues because I don't want to sit there while she subjects me to loud complaints about how much she hates her mother. She described herself as very popular, and yet had no friends or social life. The behaviour was quite similar to a 4 year old child in terms of extreme attention seeking (I've seen todlers behave like this around their parents). Her age is approximately 50 (that's how old she looked to me, although she claimed to be mid-40s). She constantly walked into my room during my meetings via Zoom/Skype, which was really embarrassing. I kept the door closed at all times but there was no lock so I couldn't keep her out. She rifled through my draws and stole $80.

I've left and booked into a professional hotel now, but the experience has left me very frightened and shaken. I understand that mentally ill people don't want to be that way, but I just wanted to pay for a room and get on with my work in peace. Now I'm doubting whether Air Bnb is really suitable for work travellers. Does anyone have any advice on what to do when a host follows a guest around the house and complains about her mental health issues, family suicides and gynaecological problems? Thanks for any tips on how to remedy the behaviour in case this happens again. Perhaps if I only book through couples in the future to avoid the chance of ending up booking with a mentally unwell unemployed person who lives alone?

[Anonymous]

@Ali11529  Before Coronavirus (BC), I would've said that renting a private room in a shared home was a great arrangement for backpackers, tourists, and work travelers. You're out of the house and busy during most of the day, so why spend the extra money on a place you're mostly just going to sleep and shower when you can instead use it to give yourself a bigger budget for the things you really love? As a guest, I'd much rather spend the extra money splashing out on an amazing restaurant or getting the best seats I can find at a show than on a room that sits empty most of the day. When the host and guest click with each other, that's a real bonus - a local contact who can offer a special tip and a more memorable experience. If you don't really click, no big deal - traveling keeps you busy, you won't see much of each other anyway.

But for people traveling during the pandemic, none of this really applies.

The Homestay model of hospitality is not intrinsically built around the host offering a round-the-clock office space or full-time self-quarantine (though plenty hosts are totally happy for guests to just be alone in their room keeping to themselves all day). The presence of a stranger in the same dwelling all day long can be a major anxiety trigger for both the host and the guest. Ali, it sounds like you were diligent about communicating your needs, and of course this host was way out of line in every aspect of her behaviour. But I'm struggling to understand how you reached the conclusion that a room in a shared home (and, particularly, this one) was the right fit for you in the first place, when what you needed most was peace and quiet and privacy. It sounds like a hotel or self-contained apartment would have been more appropriate all along.

Perhaps one takeaway here is that in these times, when self-isolation is forcing home-sharers to spend the whole day together, it's far more important for hosts and guests to communicate well before booking and establish that they're likely to be a good fit for each other's personalities.