Inappropriate Guest Message

[Crystal254]

Hello,

I am new to hosting (first month) and have had guests pretty much every night so far.  My last nights guest is where Im looking for opinions on the situation.

The guest was to check in around 4PM as per the message they sent when booking.  The window they choose was 4-6PM.  The guest arrived at 6:30PM (I have no issues with this).  I do have self check-in option set.  As per the check-in instructions sent, the airbnb room entrance is located at the back of the house and there is a lockbox.  The guest did not follow this and came to my front door.  As we received a huge snowstorm and it was fairly cold and icy outside, I offered to take the guest to the room through the house.  We chatted for a couple minutes and the guest asked for a suggestion on local bars.  I advised I was fairly new to the area and did make a couple suggestions.  The guest asked me if I would like to join at the bar and I politely declined.

Just before 11PM, the guest sent me a message and advised he had found a great bar in the area.  I advised that was great and that I was headed to bed, however if anything was needed to please contact me.  The guest then replied with "I'm happy thanks! Unless you want to cuddle, I'd be better".  I had no idea how to reply and I took a few minutes and replied with "no cuddling for me but enjoy your night".  The guest replied and said "you as well, sweet dreams".

There was no further messages exchanged after this and the guest checked out this morning.  I had no issues with the room afterwards.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, if they found it inappropriate, how they handle it?

[Sarah977]

@Crystal254  Of course it's inappropriate, and female hosts have definitely reported such unwelcome overtures from male guests here on the forum before. I even read a post by a male host who said one of his female guests was trying to hook up with him in order to get a free stay.

Some of these guys are just trying it on, and won't pursue it in a scary way. Other hosts have reported the guest actually not taking no for an answer and continuing to harrass them. In either case, it's inappropriate. One host here sent the guest a private message along with her review, telling the guest how uncomfortable his behavior made her. In that case, the guest messaged her back, sincerely apologizing, saying he'd been alone for a long time (he was an older man) and that he was obviously out-of-line and out-of practice as far as politely knowing how to let a woman know he had some interest in them apart from them being their host. He acknowledged that it was inappropriate and said he felt really bad about putting her in that position.

If I were you, I would state in the review of this guest, along with the info about him not having read the check-in instructions, and anything else negative or positive (did he leave the room clean and otherwise follow house rules?) something like "Warning- female hosts should be aware that this guest made inappropriate overtures to the host and may need some education around not viewing his host as a possible hook-up." 

I think you handled it just fine- you stayed polite and professional, but definitely let him know you weren't interested.

[Crystal254]

@Sarah977thank you for the reply.  I appreciate your insight and suggestion on how to handle the situation.  I think I will send a private message along with the review as you mentioned the other guest did. 

I do read all my guests previous reviews before they check-in, this guest was a 5 star guest with all his previous stays.

[Anonymous]

@Crystal254  I think in this day and age, the guest should have known that his advances might have felt inappropriate and made you uncomfortable - especially if you were worried that the guest might make an unwanted physical overture when returning home under the influence of booze.

And yet...on the other hand, it's not unusual for Private Room hosts to develop a social connection with guests - sometimes romantic or sexual - that blurs the conventional boundaries of hospitality. There's no consensus of what the appropriate etiquette is when one party is attracted to the other, and I hate to see even benign flirtation fully demonized, but of course I hope we can all agree that No Means No.

For your part, I think your response was perfect. I don't find anything wrong with an invitation to a bar, but the message asking for an out-of-context cuddle was sloppy. If he didn't persist beyond this point I don't personally feel it's necessary to shame him in a public review. You might advise him in the Private Comments that you found his late-night messages out of line and keep the public review more neutral.

[Crystal254]

Hi @Anonymous The way my private room is set-up is it is very separate from the rest of the house.  I have a lock on the bedroom door so you can not enter the rest of the house and have to go in/ out through the back door that is in the room.  The only reason I only actually came into contact with the guest was because they knocked on the front door.  Interaction with my guest is extremely rare.

The guest was very friendly when he checked in and I had no issues with the invite to the bar. 

I understand people have different views on what may be appropriate and what is not.  Now that the guest has checked out and I have thought about the situation, he did not continue to persist and was not rude after I replied.  I will most likely send a private message to advise how it made me feel and not leave a public comment.  I do not believe the guest meant any harm but should know it is not appropriate.

I appreciate the reply and your insight on the situation.

It is nice to have a space to come and share thoughts or concerns.

[Anonymous]

@Crystal254  These forums are a great resource; I've learned so much from all the contributors here!

By all accounts you are doing a great job at hosting; one suggestion I can offer for the next time you update your listing is to add a bit of text to the "Interaction With Guests" tab in the listing description. It might help to make sure that you set accurate expectations and perhaps discourage guests who seek private rooms specifically because they want a local social contact during their visit. Also, it makes the listing more attractive to people who prefer more privacy for a bargain rate.

[Crystal254]

@Anonymous thabks for the suggestion, I will defiantly update that. 

[Mike-And-Helen0]

@Anonymous off to google Donald Glover.

[Anonymous]

@Mike-And-Helen0  No matter what your inclinations are in the "cuddling" department, his TV series "Atlanta" is one of the best shows of all time!

[Sarah977]

@Crystal254 @Anonymous  Yes, I had a male guest invite me out for dinner his first night here. It was just a friendly, appreciative gesture and I took him up on it. There were no weird vibes or advances, he just didn't fancy eating dinner alone and wanted some conversation. In Crystal's case, the cuddle part was definitely inappropriate, the invitation to join him for a drink shouldn't necessarily be seen as such. 

I'd also hate to see a world where a little harmless flirting, as long as "no thank you" is accepted without question, was taken as offensive.

[Susan1404]

@Crystal254as long as there are men and women, there will be flirting LOL.  You handled it perfectly and kept your cool.  We as hosts have to remember we are the professional and they are guests who fortunately, will not be staying very long in many instances.  I worked in customer service for a very long time and encountered all personality types.  I learned to keep my cool, keep a stiff upper lip and always respond with poise and professionalism.  It worked well in quite a few instances because people are forced to respect your attitude.  Anything less from us as hosts can lower us to their level and things can go downhill from there.  I think you have very good hosting abilities from reading your post.

[Crystal254]

Hi @Susan1409 I defiantly agree with everything you said.  I do see situations a lot where women and men as well either feel if someone is friendly they are coming on to them or flirting and sometimes that's not the case.. sometimes they're just a nice person making a nice gesture.  I also feel like you said there will be flirting.. its just a natural thing.  I think because it was in my home, and it was late and caught me completely off guard it made me feel uncomfortable.

I've worked in customer service as well for years and also same as you I have defiantly had my share of all different personalities.

[Sarah977]

@Susan1404  To be sensitive to other than heterosexual persuations, I'd say "As long as there is such a thing as sexual attraction". Men flirt with men and women flirt with women, too 🙂

[Crystal254]

@Sarah977like you I did not mind the invite, I thought it was harmless and also thoughtful.  The message afterwards was inappropriate I agree. 

[Anonymous · Accepted solution]

@Crystal254  I have a huge double standard on whether I find a lewd offer inappropriate. It would be wholeheartedly welcomed and accepted from Donald Glover, but most definitely not from Donald Trump.