What's mine is yours... or is it?

[Huma0]

Hello, this is a question directed more at homeshare hosts.

This is a problem that I don't experience so often since I stopped doing short stays, but it still happens from time to time. I provide a number of things for my guests' use and do a pretty thorough house tour, explaining what is there for them. My house rules also state not to help yourself to other people's toiletries, food etc. Still, I occasionally have guests who seem to think everything in the house is there for them. I don't want to have to lock everything away as it's my home. Do you ever have this problem and how do you deal with it?

Just to be clear, I am not talking about guests stealing things, but rather 'helping themselves'. Here are some examples:

- Even though my accommodation is not catered (no breakfast, just the tea, coffee, sugar type of basics), one couple helped themselves to all my food and who knows if they also helped themselves to other people's food, without asking. Guests are given shelf space in the fridge and cupboard spaces so there is no need for them to take stuff from other shelves/cupboards. These guys would prepare a full, hotel style breakfast with eggs, avocados, whatever they fancied from the fridge and never bought their own. They mentioned in my review how well stocked my kitchen was.

- A young lady stayed and actually took several of my professional make up brushes from a zipped case in a bathroom cupboard, used them and then put them in her own make up bag (I saw this as she left them sticking out of her unzipped bag in the bathroom). Another went into my cupboard every day and took my personal face cloths, used them and left them in a wet heap on the shower tray. Same guest was rifling through my kitchen cupboards, helping herself and moving stuff to the cupboard for guests' stuff. People helping themselves to my own personal cosmetics, make up etc. seems to be quite frequent.

- Guests who can't seem to stop opening new, packaged things. I supply guests with all the basic toiletries such as body wash, shampoo, conditioner, hand soap (both liquid and individual bars for their personal use). Still, some will rummage around in my things and unwrap fancy soaps, using them only once, or tipping a whole bottle of bath salts into the bath. Another guest opened all my condiments. There is oil, soy sauce etc. available for guests, but this one went through my own supplies opening every NEW jar to taste one spoonful.

- I provide plenty of towels for my guests and tell them to just ask if they need more. Still, several guests have taken my USED towels or those of other guests from the bathroom. They take clean towels that are hanging to dry, which is annoying as they are often for other guests. This is not a huge deal, but it is not fun to get out of the shower and realise your towel has disappeared!

None of this is major stuff. Perhaps it is just part and parcel of being a homeshare host? Or, do you have any suggestions to avoid this? I already have labels on some of the stuff that is there for guests and I don't want to stick labels on everything or put sticky notes and signs all over the place.

[Huma0]

And then there are the guests who seem to expect lots of random supplies that are not included in your listing. I don't mind the odd request if it's reasonable. I had one recent guest though who, within the first few days of her stay was asking for all sorts of things, e.g.

- exercise mat

- coconut sugar (I already supply white and brown sugar, honey and sweetener)

- oat milk, but the 'barista' kind

- nail polish remover

- laundry detergent, but for woollens (my long term guests are supposed to buy their own detergent)

and on and on. Just to be clear, she asked nicely, not demanded. She was not rude. Still it seems odd to me to ask a host for such specific things that I really think a long term guest needs to buy for themselves. It's almost like she asked for anything that popped into her head. I just learnt to say, "No sorry, I don't have any, but I think you can find that at X local store."

[Pat271]

A couple of ideas - the first of which you are probably doing, but do you do a walkthrough with the guest upon arrival? Doing so would provide a good opportunity to clarify, in a friendly, non-dictatorial manner, what is “on the house” and what belongs to you and/or other guests. I would also clarify this in your House Rules, if the guest bothers to read those. 🙂

Another idea is to put prices on the shelves containing the items that are not “on the house”. You might as well commoditize these guest tendencies. 🙂  I bet seeing the price alone will deter the behavior. This would work out especially well for the brand-new, packaged items you mention.

For deterring the use of items that are not intended to be used, provide a clear delineation between the areas of on-the-house vs. not on-the-house items. It should be obvious to the guest what is meant for them to use.

Another more subtle idea is to have small labels indicating the counts of certain items. For instance, I have themed silverware that is not inexpensive, so my housekeeper has labeled the compartments with the number of items in each group, e.g. “8 forks”, “8 knives”, etc. It looks like the labels are for the housekeeper’s benefit so that she knows where each utensil goes, but it has the added benefit of letting the guest know that these items ARE being counted before and after each and every guest arrives. I haven’t lost a utensil yet!

If this isn’t enough to deter them, it is showing a blatant disregard of your wishes, and I would mention it in your review of the guest. This will not only inform other hosts, but potential guests who access your reviews of other guests will have a better idea of your expectations.

[Huma0]

@Pat271 

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes, it is included in my house rules and I really do all I can to make sure guests have read these, but that's not to say that they remember everything. I also do a thorough house tour on check in, and show the guests what is there for them, but many seem to take in some information and not other things. I guess whatever interests them is what they pay attention to/retain.

The last guest I mentioned above who had all the extra requests also mentioned a few days into her stay, "Oh, I just noticed all these different teas you provide." The tea/coffee station and supplies is one of the first things that I show guests and one of the things that they all seem to consistently pay attention to, but this particular guest, who was a big tea drinker missed the free tea...

[Sarah977]

@Huma0  I have never had guests do this. One big difference is that there is no shared bathroom. My bathroom is downstairs, and the guest bathroom is an ensuite  (and I think you know I only host one guest at a time). So there is nothing of mine in the guest bathroom. 

You must make it clear to guests in some way, short of sticking notes all over the place, that whatever they find in the bathroom cupboards or drawers and the food are not simply theirs to use or snoop through? Or do you just assume they would realize that? (The make-up brush story seems like deliberate theft to me)

And if guests open new packages of soap, etc, why not just pack that stuff away where they don't have access to it?

It sounds like those guests who helped themselves to food to make their breakfasts did this more than once. I don't quite understand why they weren't told that they are expected to buy their own food and that they needed to replace the food they had used.

As an alternative to notes or having to confront guests, it sounds like you need to put a "Respectful Home Sharing" sheet in your guest rooms so guests are crystal clear on what is theirs to use and what isn't. 

[Huma0]

@Sarah977 

The 'respectful home sharing' sheet sounds like a really good idea. I think I will try that and report back on how it goes.

Separate bathrooms would definitely help with the issue with toiletries and towels etc. All my bathrooms are shared, but the downstairs one is very rarely used by anyone other than the guests staying in the bedroom on the 1st floor. Whatever I leave in there is for the guests' use, so that is never a problem. It's the other bathrooms that things get taken from.

When I first started hosting, I thought these things were pretty obvious and then realised they are not to everyone. So, I included in my house rules (which I do insist every guest reads and they have to send me the answer to the Easter egg question):

"Tea, coffee, sugar, clean towels, bedding and some toiletries will be provided. Please ask if you need more. Do not help yourself to other towels, toiletries, food and drink or any other belongings in the house without permission."

When I was still hosting short term guests, I started reminding them of this on check in. However, as I transitioned gradually to long term stays, I found it less and less of a problem and stopped mentioning it in the house tour as there are so many other things to cover. Every now and then though, you get long term guests who behave in this way.

Of course, I can put things away out of sight, and that is definitely the case in the kitchen, with the exception of the fridge, but the latter should be pretty obvious as each guest is allocated shelf space so it's clear that the other shelves contain other people's food.

Sadly, some guests seem to think it's okay to explore other cupboards and take what they want. I don't want to share my make up brushes or make up with other people. It's not just a question of money, it's just not hygienic! 

[Sarah977]

@Huma0  It seems like quite adolescent behavior to me- it's the sort of thing my daughters used to do as teenagers- help themselves to mom's stuff. One of them was terrible for this--My daughter and I were once invited to a clothes trade with a bunch of gals we knew, but I was busy and got there late, after all the good stuff had been traded. My daughter had gone about half an hour earlier, toting a big black garbage bag full of clothes.

I saw some of my stuff in other people's piles- like the expensive leather belt my oldest daughter had given me for my birthday a few months before. My middle daughter had just scooped up the pile of clothes on her bedroom floor, which included things of mine she had borrowed without asking.

(BTW, my middle and youngest daughters still paw through my closet and cosmetic drawer when they come to visit, even though they are now 40 and 45 years old. It doesn't bother me, because they are my daughters, not guests- I find it rather cute that they still act like whatever mom has is available to them without question. 🙂)

Are your guests who do this sort of thing young? Like used to living at home with mom and dad where everything is fair game? 

[Huma0]

@Sarah977 

Yes, I would say that in general, most guests who behave like this are fairly young, i.e. 30 years old or younger. Still, I have also had people in their late 50s or even 60s who behave this way (another example was the guest who threw out all the tourist brochures that I provide when she left because she somehow thought I went all over London collecting these just for her and not for other guests).

I grew up with just one brother, so I am not used to the examples you describe. However, I used to have a housemate who used to take my make up brushes, use them and then chuck them on her bedroom floor. She would take certain make up items of mine away with her without asking when she was travelling and be surprised that I was annoyed to have been looking for them the whole weekend. What's mine was hers, apparently.

I mentioned this to a friend, who immediately asked, "Does she have sisters?" Yes, indeed, she had two younger sisters and no brothers. They grew up in a household of three daughters. The friend told me this was completely normal behaviour then. For me, not growing up with sisters, this was bizarre, but I understood the point...

[Sarah977]

@Huma0  I also grew up with only one brother and I always thought it would have been so nice to have a sister, but then having 3 daughters of my own, I realized it isn't at all a "fun" situation. 

What I've observed with friends of mine who also have daughters is that if they are quite close in age, like a year and a half or so, they do tend to be like best friends, almost like twins, and share things quite freely. 

But there is 5 years difference between each of mine- the oldest was 10 when the baby was born. So "sharing" stuff was not really a thing when they were younger, as they were in different stages of development. They didn't fit in each other's clothes, they didn't read the same books or play with the same toys. 

But things got quite heated when they got to be teenagers, especially between the oldest and the middle. The oldest liked nice things, had part time jobs, bought her own clothes beyond the basics that I provided. She kept her room and her possessions tidy and clean. The middle was messy, and would "borrow" her sister's clothes, without permission (because it never would have been granted) then leave them wadded up dirty and stained on her own bedroom floor. 

Things got so acrimonious that at one point I came home from shopping to find the oldest had attacked her sister with a fork after finding her new sweater with a big stain on it.

[Kitty-and-Creek0]

@Huma0 

It seems that your personal boundaries are not clear. Shared bathrooms are obviously an issue, so do give the guests their own. Our guests have their own en suite full bathroom, well supplied;  and a small refrigerator. They have a small microwave, coffee maker, hot water pot, coffees, teas, many types of sugars and milks; dishwashing station. There is no temptation to raid my fridge, or my bathroom stuff. I offer my guests the use of my full kitchen by appointment. I also let them know in writing and verbally that if they need anything nor supplied to let me know. It rarely happens, but I'm thrilled to accommodate.  With a little better organization and better boundaries you should do well.

[Huma0]

@Kitty-and-Creek0 

Thanks you for your feedback. Yes, shared bathrooms are an issue, but I don't have the option to give eery guest their own bathroom. That is not how my house is set up. There are four bedrooms and three showers + a downstairs toilet. Of the three bathrooms with showers, only one has a toilet, so that's three showers and two toilets between four bedrooms. It's simply impossible to allocate separate bathrooms to everyone.

I also do not allow guests to eat, or prepare food in their bedrooms as this has caused a lot of damage in the past. I don't think I can restrict kitchen access as this is a super important thing to long term guests (to many short term ones too, as eating out is so expensive in London).

I do make it very clear to guests in my house rules, welcome tour etc. what is and what isn't available to them and that if they need anything else they should just ask. I also double check with them a day or two after check in if there is anything else they need.

The problem is more that certain guests will still see everything in the house as being there for them (as if it is a hotel) regardless of these efforts.

[Kitty-and-Creek0]

@Huma0 

Again, boundaries are going to be necessary. With short stays it is not such an issue. With longer ones, your guests are going to settle in and be at home. That - imagine a dormitory at school, or an office lunchroom - people are going to relax and take more liberties. This is only human, no malicious intent. In fact in a way it is a compliment to you that they are so relaxed and comfortable. 

Others here have given you some excellent tips on what to do, in the interest of establishing and maintaining healthy and satisfactory boundaries. 

[Huma0]

@Kitty-and-Creek0 

It's actually the short term guests who display this behaviour more than long term ones. The latter tend to generally bring their own supplies, while the former have more of an "I am staying at a hotel" mentality and think that everything they see is meant for them, rather than acknowledging that this is the host's home, with the host's stuff in it, as well as things belonging to other guests.

[Mark116]

@Huma0  Is there no way that you could keep one bathroom for yourself?  That would leave, if I'm getting this 2 toilets, one downstairs, so not super convenient, and 2 showers, for 3 guest rooms in a shared house.  You could possibly pilot this idea of keeping one bathroom for yourself when the guest count is low and only open up the third bathroom when you are 'full'. If that makes sense. 

[Huma0]

@Mark116 

It's actually the toilets that pose more of a problem than the showers when it comes to dividing up the bathrooms.

Here's a breakdown:

Ground floor (1st floor in the US): downstairs toilet and separate shower room without toilet.

First floor: one guest bedroom - guests in this room are encouraged to use the downstairs facilities.

Second floor: two bathrooms, each with showers but only one with toilet. One guest bedroom on this floor.

Third floor: two bedrooms (one my own and one a guest room) but no bathrooms.

When I bought the house, I had no plans to put it on Airbnb, so the bathroom set up didn't bother me. Actually, I have added the downstairs toilet and shower room since then.

Unfortunately, there is no way to divide it up so that I have my own shower and toilet without restricting the guest facilities quite a bit.

One solution would certainly be to keep all my personal stuff stored elsewhere, but it is also my house. In the bathroom that I use, there is a largish cupboard where I keep my own things and also top up supplies for guests. If people didn't feel like it's okay to rummage around in there and help themselves, then this wouldn't be an issue. I guess I could just put a lock on it, but I feel like that shouldn't really be necessary. It seems like odd behaviour to me to rummage around in other people's things...